7/10/18

So last night was my first night home in about a week. It was nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Yesterday ended up being really hard to deal with. My boss, Laura, called me into her office and made a comment about me being late one day and calling into work one day. I made up the day I was late and one additional hour so I only missed three hours for the week. She asked if I was really ready to be back. I obviously said yes but it annoyed me that Barb was in the office during the talk. Like I feel I at least deserved the respect of the talk being just us. I guess that combined with my feelings with Jeff and Kristy is just a little too much I guess. I think writing about it yesterday helped some but I ended up really wanting to self harm again which kind of scared me to be honest. Its really frustrating just feeling like even when im starting to get a little better, then everything will just end up crashing around me again. I keep taking the Kristy’s journal thing pretty hard. I just always though she really liked me and now Im finding out that isn’t the case and its really hard to cope with. I have therapy tomorrow and I just feel like I can’t even be fully honest about stuff because I already lied to her once and im like scared of being judged by her now even though logically that she would never judge me. This is what always gets me into through, my logical side of my brain versus my emotional side of my brain. I just want to be……..

NORMAL

I don’t really know if there is any such thing as being normal when it comes to people. We all have out issues and flaws but thats part of life. I don’t think anyone has a completely flawless life. Im probably trying to be something that is impossible to even be. I think maybe its the depression that tells me I will never be normal. Maybe thats exactly what i’m doing. I want to live a life without emotional pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, ADHD. Does everyone go through stuff like this? Just wish I could make sense of it all. I feel like maybe there is no way to make life be better. Maybe this is just what life is like, maybe its not this wonderful thing I tend to think it is. I wish there was a good and exact answer to it all but there really isn’t. I don’t get the answers that I long for. Every time I think about not being as good as I thought it would be I just want to find a release usually by suicide or self harm which I can’t do. So here I am writing, hoping to express all of the emotions I have that I keep bottled up inside. I know its really unhealthy to keep it all inside but I continue to because I feel like I am all alone now that I fucked up the few relationships I have had. I could maybe still talk with my therapist about it but I already lied to her about how I met Jeff and Kristy so I risk the truth possibly coming out about that. I wish I wasn’t scared of judgement because maybe then my life would be completely different. Im always doing what the other person wants to do first while putting myself last. Im just this little speck and I have to grow but I can only do that if I am completely open and honest about what I feel. I can’t keep hiding like this where I just have to stay isolated and am completely alone. Maybe this falls a little into the self sabotage area. I don’t like myself so this is probably the easiest thing for me. I know something is wrong so I might as well just give up and start off again later. Obviously I am really tired because I am not thinking logically in the slightest. Its sometimes strange because I think really in depth into something and then get determined to get the answer even though I know there isn’t any. What is life really supposed to be like? I know there will always be goods and bars but how much good versus bad should there normally be?I just want to make sense of my own brain and the world. I don’t know if I will ever manage to do it but I might as well hold hope to understand my brain someday.

Normal:

Adjective. Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual ; not abnormal ; regular ; natural.

I read that definition and trying to apply it to real life is a entirely new level of complex. Think about it. What is technically considered normal? Is having multiple kids normal? Is having some type of mental illness normal? Is being happy on a daily basis more than sad normal? Does anyone know what is actually considered normal? This is exactly my issue because I want to be normal but nobody even really knows what normal is when it comes to being human. Im trying to do something impossible while logically knowing I am setting myself up for failure. I never really actually thought about it until now. I have always hoped to be normal.

So I did a thing tonight. I told Kristy all of my feelings about everything and I almost cried doing it. I told her about all my fear of judgement and everything including in that the fear of eating in front of people, never being good enough and sometimes still shutting down, wanting to run away because I am so scared of what everyone thinks of me. I also told her about my feelings regarding the Jack situation. I admitted that I am really scared of him and I keep having nightmares about him finding me and losing it again. She is the first person I have told that I am feeling this way to. I also told her about my new kind of suicidal thoughts which have been really scaring me lately if im honest. Like obviously I have thought about this stuff before but these are different. Its like I can see myself cutting even though i’m not doing it. I guess its just hard to talk about. I don’t know why this is happening like this. Plus I have been slowly thinking about suicide again which is really scary to be dealing with again because I know part of me still wants to do it. I just want to be okay.

7/9/18

I haven’t really wrote in a while, and that never has a good result so here I am. Depressed. Sitting in a pile of emotional hurt that seems to just keep growing. I want to run from it but every time it catches me it doubles in size. Its a constant fight of trying to keep it from taking over. The worse this pile grows, the worse the urges get. I was lucky for a while and didn’t have too many urges but, lately they have started coming back. I’m slowly feeling like i’m drowning again. There are so many good things going on around me yet the worst things are the ones going through my head non-stop. Right now I know I need to vent to Kristy but the issues i’m dealing with both involve her and Jeff so I’m all alone in this one. I haven’t even been fully honest with my Melissa and because of that I can’t even tell her about this. I feel like I kept fucking up and now here I am but, I can’t blame anyone else because it is still technically my fault. Plus I feel sorry for myself which is total crap because I have no right to feel bad for myself. I need to just get over it all but I feel like I should be able to just forget it all even though logically I know that is absolutely impossible. I have to actually work through this even when I really don’t want to. Mainly because its a constant pain that gets worse while i’m in the process of working through it. I just want all of the pain to stop and it never really does. I want to cut again. I feel like a terrible person every time I write that but this is the only place I can be completely honest. Its really frustrating wanting to cut again. It seems like such a simple things which just makes me want it more. I keep thinking about taking a knife and doing it on my arms and I feel like I can actually see it. Almost like a video set on repeat that I can’t seem to escape from. I just want it to stop. How do I make them stop? I should probably explain the reasoning behind all of this. Writing this is going to hurt but its the only way I am gonna be able to get through it. I guess that first one I will start with is the Jack situation. I didn’t really thing it affected me that but I guess I was wrong because Nana came to pick up Nathan a week or two ago and Jack was sitting in the car and I was beyond terrified of him. Then when everyone went to the dells, including Jack, I was so scared of him and having nightmares when I have been through terrible stuff like this before. I’m 20, been through a lot, and am not even related to anyone here so I feel like I have no reason to be affected by it. I feel like i’m weak for being hurt by this kind of stuff when i’m 20. I just feel like I should be more mature. I don’t know if thats just me being too hard on myself or if its true. I always try to be mature but I feel like that the last thing i’m doing. I guess that bring me to the next thing. So while everyone was at the dells, I was cleaning the entire house. At one point I was going to clean the room downstairs and I opened the closet to see if there were clothes to be folded and in one of the drawers was Kristy’s journal. I opened the first page and I saw my name so I was a bad person and kept reading. Basically, everything said Kristy didn’t like me because Jeff gave me more attention then he gave her and she figured he was going to have an affair with me and she didn’t want me here anymore. She literally hated me and I am beyond upset and hurt about it. I thought she always loved me but I was so wrong and now I kind of need her because i’m hurting so bad and I just need someone to help keep lee safe but I feel like I can’t go to her now that I know this. Does she even like me now? Should I just leave everything here and never come back? I don’t know what to do now or how to process it all. I have no where to even go anymore. I’ve fucked up everything I had and now I don’t even want to fight through any of it. Why is the world so unfair? Why do I have to screw up everything good thing I have. I always set myself up for failure. As if all of that isn’t enough, me and my mom talked and my dad only has months to live. But I fucked that up too, because thats the only thing I can actually manage to do. Someone please just make this pain stop. I wish I could just go get a knife and cut right now. Im done. Im so hurt right now. I could just take too many pills. Whats wrong with me that this is what I am thinking about right now. Fuck.

7/3/18

There are very few time I openly admit I have a crush on someone. Usually the only time I talk about it is because I cannot hide it anymore, I guess this is one of those times. Brandon. I went to high school with him but we didn’t talk too much after he graduated. I wish we did, because I had really liked him, I was just too scared to say it. I honestly never though he would like a girl like me. I can’t say this is the first time this thought has gotten me into trouble though. I guess the actually problem is how much I constantly overthink. No matter how much I may like someone, I will never believe they will actually like me back for longer than a day or two. I never see myself as good enough, and I’m pretty confident any guy wouldn’t want to deal with someone like me. Its not easy dating a girl with not only CPTSD, but also MDD, GAD, ADHD, and Panic Disorder, oh and can’t forget the OCD tendencies. Im broken and there is no way to completely fix me. I don’t have much control over any of this either. Im powerless in my own skin, Plus, nobody wants to learn how to be with someone who self harms and has suicidal thoughts. Im usually more of a bother than someone who is fun to be around. The thing is, if you haven’t been in the shoes of someone with depression or anxiety before, its easy to get frustrated with someone dealing with these. Nobody knows this can just break us more than we are already broken. I am beyond sensitive and if you tell me I am, I will overthink it and get hurt and upset. If you tell me I did something wrong, I will automatically assume you no longer like me and I am a complete failure. I will think at least once a day that you hate me, thing I am ugly, thing I am fat, wish I would just leave or diappear, and so on. This is actually really hard for me to go through. I will always assume you don’t actually like me and that my world is going to crash at any second. I always thing of the worst case scenario. In my defense, usually the worst case scenario is the once that comes true for me. I suck at making decisions and I will constantly need reassurance about stuff. I take everything beyond personally. There will be days you will not be able to make me smile. There will be days I want to feel up to doing anything. I will assume you think i’m lazy and that i’m annoying you. I will constantly flinch, I will get really shy, I can’t do anything sexual like everyone else. Everything will scare me and I will shut down sometimes. Please know, none of this is your fault. I have scars and I don’t always feel comfortable in my own body. Some things I want to do and I will make it clear not to push me. I promise I don’t completely suck, I try to be a good person, I just struggle because I see the world completely different than most. Eventually you will learn all of my triggers and basically my life story. I understand if you decide you don’t like me and down want to learn all of this about me. Just tell me. If you don’t want to help me through being suicidal or wanting to self harm, thats fine. Just tell me. I will always assume I am doing something wrong. I am awful at taking hints sometimes. I am really mellow and get scared easily. And my face turns red when I get embarrassed. I will probably hide behind you at some point. I have the body image of a sad squirrel. I also write like all day. I’m a dork, I know. Trust me when I say this though, I really fricken like you and I hope I don’t lose someone as great as you. I am so excited to go out with you tonight.

6/20/18

Wondering how my day is going? Well I started the day at midnight by not sleeping so Kiley and I stayed up til like 4am watching Netflix before we fell asleep and woke up at 1pm to two kids, two dogs, and on adult in addition to me and Kiley in the bed. I admit I wasn’t real happy about it. However, I also realized I slept through therapy so that sucked. I was able to reschedule but it just makes me frustrated with myself because I can’t keep sleeping til late now that I have to be awake early in the mornings again. I need to be responsible and right now I’m not. I feel like I’m just letting myself down in everything I do. I feel like I’m letting others down also. I just never feel like I’m good enough for others or myself. I just keep going over everything in my head and I can’t even see what I did right over what I did wrong. I know the majority of all of this is just because I’m overthinking, but at some point, maybe the part of me that is overthinking is right. My mom keeps texting me and I’m not responding to any of them because I don’t even know ¬†what to say in response. I know I fucked up in someways but, I also did right. I just know they see it as all I do is wrong and that’s hard for me. I don’t want to completely ruin my relationship with my parents. I still love them and I do feel bad for putting them through this at such a bad time. I wish I could go back and change the way I did some things so I wouldn’t be so hurt about what is currently happening. The worst part right now is realizing when I left my Grandma, that’s when she started to get really sick and now I just left my Dad and he’s getting really sick. My heart just broke even more inside now. I didn’t even realize this but, its so true. It’s like the exact same thing. My Dad’s cancer might be growing and this is going on right when I am leaving. He might be dying even sooner yet I’m leaving them and being a terrible daughter. Did I do the wrong thing? Is this a sign? Am I seriously doing this a second time? What’s wrong with me that I am doing this to them. This can’t be my fault… is this my fault? Maybe this is all god’s way of warning me this is the wrong decision. Everything with Jeff and Kristy to my cousins to now my Dad. Maybe this is his way of giving me a sign. What should I do now? I can’t just go back, I can’t just leave here. I can’t do both families at once. Can I really do any of this? Wow, I might be doing the completely wrong thing. I can’t even deny this possibly being my fault. I hate seeing in black and white because the sis when I need to be able to see in grey and I can’t. What do I do wrong because I really don’t know. I mean, what did I do to deserve my Dad getting sick right when I leave jut like my Grandma. I always blame myself for what happened with grandma so how do I not blame myself for this too? I really messed up didn’t I?… I know there is nothing I can do to go back and change the current and future. I feel trapped like I have gone from being a lost puppy on the streets to being captured by animal control, trapped, and not being able to really do anything yet I’m still alone. I’m always alone and maybe I always will be. Maybe this was my last chance. I am disappointed in myself now because I know I’m better than this yet I still keep coming and doing the same dumb shit. I can’t even be mad at anyone else for this because it’s all my fault. What if I would have never gotten involved with this family? Things would be so different and maybe I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now. Please god, don’t let anything happen to my dad, especially not because of me. I would never wish this on him. This isn’t fair, none of it, yet it keeps going on. I really messed up, I don’t think I can even come back from this. I always try to show myself as having my life together and being okay but, that honestly couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so broken but I went through a hospital program for almost two months so I should have my life together.

I went home to pick up my meds mainly and then my blanket and pillow. I was hoping my mom wouldn’t be home even though I knew dad would be. My mom was home though and when I went to my room she came in and told me again that Dad’s CT came back clear. His MRI at Huntley is at 9am and we should know by Monday what the results are and what the next steps will be. I’m really scared it is going to be something cancer related because his pain is getting worse and worse everyday. I do feel bad for leaving at such a bad time. This wasn’t my intentions at all. I blame myself completely though. I wish I knew whether or not this is truly my fault. I just need to know.

I keep cumin back to this similarity between the situation with grandma and now the situation with dad. It just keeps playing through my head and I keep trying to make more sense of it and I ca’t. I’m frustrated with myself.

6/19/18

If you think i’m going to back down then you are very wrong. I’m strong and I refuse to let you hurt me. I can and will get through this no matter how much it may hurt. I’m strong. If you think you can completely control me the you are wrong. I am more than a lost puppy, I am more than a broken girl. Call me what you want, treat me how you want, I will never change who I am for you. I am far from perfect and that is okay. I will never be perfect because nothing is ever perfect. This life isn’t mine if I pretend to be something I’m not. Yes, I make mistakes but guess what, we all do. I might be making the wrong decision in the life but at least its my own decision. I would rather be completely disappointed in my own decisions than be disappointed in myself for someone else decisions. If im not authentic to myself than who am I? I have always been this fake person and now I think its my time to find who I really am without all of the pressure from others. I can either fight for myself or give up but, if I give up, I won’t make it much longer. I deserve more for myself. I don’t have to do anything to deserve it, I am human and deserve a good life just like anyone else. Its been hard starting to teach myself all of this but, I can slowly but surely as long as I keep reminding myself. I got this far so I know I can make it even farther. Everything is a work in progress I think. Change doesn’t;t just happen in one day no matter how much I wish it did.. change starts in one day but must continue to make a impact. “Im on the outside always looking in”- Dear Evan Hansen. This quote is so simple yet it resinates deep inside me because this is exactly how I feel. That quote is the definition of feeling like a lost puppy. I am not a lost puppy, it is not my identity, but I do feel like one. Something I do or feel doesn’t decide my identity unless I decide it does. Nobody can decide who I am for me, only myself. Yes, sometimes I will reach out for support and want to feel supported and cared for and about but, if I open myself up to you like that then I am really vulnerable and nobody has any right to take that from me. I guess thats why im still a little hurt from yesterday. I was vulnerable and you didn’t even bother to think about how I might be feeling before sharing your own opinion. I helped support yo all day and I got nothing in the small moment I needed it. I needed love and support, not just some emotionless and meaningless opinion. I still do get hurt sometime no matter how hard I try to fight it. Im human and thats okay, but I will not and do not ever deserve to be treated like I am worthless. I matter even if I am not always ready to admit it. I look into the future with no clue as to what is going to happen. Nobody can predict the future so I might as well focus on now since this I can still control. I still have power over now and I refuse to give up that power all over again.

I can’t even begin to explain in words how annoyed I am right now. I can usually just like keep myself calm but I am tired of being treated and spoken to like shit by a six year old. I deserve better than that. I am literally leaving g basically my entire family right now but I have to deal with all the bullshit here too. I am calling this place home yet i’m hidings in Kiley’s room to be away from all of the drama for a while. I don’t even know what I want to do right now. I just want to get away from everything in my entire life. I want the restart button so I can start from the beginning knowing what I know now. People don’t understand what is going through my brain, My brain is beyond complex and nobody understands why I do things the way I do. I can get frustrated easily and I can’t release it by just being angry about shit. I can’t feel anger like that, I can’t express that frustration. I just keep it bottled up until it reaches a max and I break down. That is so frustrating for me because that isn’t how I want to deal with my emotions and everything i’m feeling. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated and basically hating my life. Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I just end up broken. There is never any good outcomes for me. I am so tired of everything right now and it shouldn’t be like that. None of this should be the way it is right now. I feel like I’m almost living a hidden life right now which really isn’t fair. I honestly feel like I’m living a completely fake life. Who am I? Someone please tell me because I can’t figure this out anymore. I don’t know if I need help or if I want help. I just need to have a new life that maybe I won’t hate. I feel like I’m lost in my own head and can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. “Help me, I’m crawling in my skin”- Shawn Mendes. I love this quote for one simple reason. That quote is what keeps going through my head non-stop.

I can’t do any of this anymore. This is my break-in point. I keep trying so hard to get through all of this and I simply can’t keep trying to push myself through all of this. I’m at my break-in point right now. I feel like I’m hated no matter where I go. I’m so tired of everything and just want it all to stop. I don’t even want to be alive so why should I want to just be annoying to others? Nobody actually wants me anymore. This family took me in while they didn’t completely know me and all of my issues and now I know they don’t want me here anymore but, they won’t just kick me out.

6/18/18

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of hurt and pain I feel right now. I can’t keep fighting the world every second of everyday. I’m trying so hard to stay about water and keep from drowning and I feel like someone just looked at me and left instead of grabbing my hand. I was right, every time I start to get comfortable, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I have to try to rebuild myself and start over. Everyone thinks I can be this rock and always be put on the side and only used when someone wants me. Its not fair. Stop always reminding me I am just a lost puppy. I can’t handle being broke over and over again. Give me a straight black and white answer, not the shit you keep giving me. Guess what. My entire world is crashing just like yours except nobody cares about me since i’m just a lost puppy. I never really matter to anyone. I get taken in and then they see how much responsibility it is to have a puppy and then no longer want me. Screw you for hurting me as much as you saved me. Thanks for constant pain everyday. I shouldn’t have come in the first place because there was no way you were actually gonna help me. Don’t tell me that my parents are taking advantage of me when you are doing the same thing. I let you in and you destroyed me. I should have known better. Everyone will hurt me so I shouldn’t have let myself get comfortable. This is my own fault. Now I’m just alone. I had one place, my house, and I thought I was better than that and now I have fucked up everything. I have never felt safe and I started to and instead you took everything you could. Fuck you parents and cousins for hurting me my entire life and not even being willing to admit it, I hate that you made me feel worthless every single day and always made me feel like one big disappointment. You knew everything going on and you did nothing. You say you will always support me but, what about now? Oh wait..I’m too much of a failure and disappointment for you to actually want me. Sorry I wasn’t perfect for you and now you are stuck with me and can’t figure out where you went wrong. You made me feel bad and never did anything to help. You didn’t care but continued trying to look like some kind of perfect family with no drama where everything is perfectly okay. Do you ever actually say the truth and pain behind this shit or just ask like you don’t understand all of these conversations. Now for you lovely cousins, you can go fuck yourselves too. You though I am now a huge disappointment for not going home on fathers day and who knows, maybe I am, but you have no right to say anything to be because you fucked up worse than me and I should be some kind of wonderful person. For my second parents, I love you both but I’m so pissed at you right now. You knew I needed you and you left me with nothing and had to go focus on something else like I wasn’t even there. If you told me something came up and that you needed to deal with right then, then im fine and cool with that. In stead you all just made me feel like I don’t even matter and I guess that really is your issue.

I kept falling asleep while writing that last part. I guess there are a lot of tings just making me frustrated with the world. I feel like nobody truly cares about me and feeling like that non stop just kind of hurts and leaved an impression. I don’t know how to describe feeling empty in a room full of people. I don’t even know how to express emotions at this point and I have been an emotional person all of my life. I think the worst part is that I know I have all of these emotions and feel them on the inside, but, on the outside, i’m completely numb. What hurts more is knowing certain people in my life can easily see past the numb and they see whats actually going on, but are choosing to only seat from their point of view without considering my feelings. How is that fair? I understand we all have our own struggles in our own lives, but that doesn’t make it okay to then just take your feelings out on the other person, especially when it involves something really personal. Destroying my feelings about my dad dying and completely invalidating all of my emotions hurts so much, especially considering I only come to you for a little support, even as small as a hug, instead you completely crushed my feelings and then decided it would be fun to make it a big deal about what I eat when you know I struggle with food a lot. Honestly, I am being sent into such a depression state at this point that I don’t even know if anyone could pull me out. I understand all off the pain you are going through right now. All of that pain and hurt and anger is valid. I always do my best to be here for you and usually you at least make an effort to listen and support me too. These past few days have been beyond painful for me, and this is the time you have basically just left me on my own and even made things a little worse. I just needed your support and I got none. I forgot how much it hurt when it felt like my entire world is just crushing me. I don’t even know if anyone actually cares about my feelings at this point. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Someone please tell me so then maybe I won’t feel so lost and broken in this world right now. With all of this going on I am starting to question whether or not I actually made the right decision or not. I think I did but either way I have reached the point that I can’t turn back even if I want to. I hope I haven’t really fucked up because I don’t know if I could come back from this if it all turns bad. I would be lying if I said I haven’t really though I wished I could just end my life. Im not saying that I plan to act on it, because I don’t. However, part of me wishes I could. Maybe then all of this hurt and pain would stop. Im not sure how many people would even care at this point. Im just this invisible speck. As you can probably tell through my writing, i’m numb. Its weird how being numb can hurt. I just want all of it to stop. It all really hurts and I just want the pain to stop in whatever way… “the end”

I feel like i’m crying out for help yet nobody hears me. The things is nobody can or will read this. This doesn’t matter, none of this matters. I don’t even matter so who am I kidding. I deserve everything Im getting right now.