11/28/16

We all think we are ready until were not anymore. We all think moving on from what we have known our entire lives will be easy. We think we have the world figured out until we find out we don’t. I have lived in a small town my entire life. While at times it is a blessing, its also a curse. Everyone knows everything, and you have very little margin for error.

I was mainly raised by my grandma until I was 15 years old, the point that I thought I understood the world. I was horribly wrong and I see that now more clearly than ever. My grandma was someone that everyone knew and loved, even if you just met her. However, for me it was a different relationship. There were times we got along great and other times where it was a dangerous situation, and you never knew which one you would walk into that day. I loved her no matter what happened, but that one day when I was 15 I thought I was doing what was best and I had no clue about what would happen a year later. My grandma was abusive, and I strongly dislike using that word because I know for me it could have been much worse and that I am lucky that it wasn’t for me, but because of what happened it can be considered that. There isn’t many times that I go somewhere and it feels like a wave of emotion floods over me like a tsunami, but that happens where I go to my grandmas house and I remember some of the things that happened there, both good and bad. When I was 15 years old, I ran and thought nothing would change and that life would continue on in the same way. It was the last time I was hit in that house, it was also the last time I would feel like I had a home.

I am a lost soul of a girl that once was happy and saw the world in color. Now I am just a girl who sees a world of grey. I have many regrets in this world. I wish I never told my grandma to stay home from work that Sunday morning at 2am, because she never worked again. She never was herself again. She was my world even if it wasn’t always colorful, and my world crashed down on my 17th birthday as I was on the phone saying how my day went. She left the world because I left at 15 years old. Truth is, many of my memories aren’t sunshine and rainbows, but the severe tornado before them. I remember what it was like in the hospital every day having to accept the fact that my world was falling down around me and it wasn’t going to be fixed anymore. I have many demons with this topic that would take years to write as I tell you what I once was and who I am now.

My grandma was old but she was very strong, her job gave her the opportunity to be. I was sick and stopped caring and it was silly of me to think that wouldn’t be noticed. This was the only time I ever got away from my grandma after she grabbed me. I knew that this would be the only time and so I ran outside and climbed a tree. The fact that I climbed a tree shows how immature I was at the time. I called my mom thinking that she would be there, because that’s what everyone wants when something goes wrong. They want someone to be there for them, and in that moment when I called my mom saying she would be there in 15 minutes and didn’t come for another couple hours that I knew I didn’t have that person. Everything changed after that moment and I wished I could go back and take the hit. But instead I decided that I didn’t want to ever go back there and my wish came true. After school I would go to my cousins house after that. At this point I was a sophomore in high school.

I went into a deep place in my life that year. I thought I could handle what I was putting on myself. Depression. Nobody wants to think that they have a mental illness but nothing compares to the moment you realize you probably do. I put myself through hell as I starved myself, hurt myself, and kept telling myself that I would be okay. By the time I realized how much damage I was doing I had no chance of going back to that place in my life. I told people what was going on and I shouldn’t have done that. It would eventually lead me to the social worker, a therapist, and the wrath of my parents which was the worst of all. They weren’t open to what I was going through and what I felt inside. I wasn’t allowed be home alone anymore and everything I did was watched and monitored. The worse part of it was the fact that I was still doing it all at night. I was destroying myself on the outside and the inside all at once. I stopped the day that I had to lose any self esteem I had left and show my parents what I was doing. That night I hit rock bottom, but it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

I was in fifth grade when I first tried to end what I felt inside. I didn’t know what it was called at the time but I knew it would let me sleep for a really long time. Ive tried multiple times and most of them are the grey area between a attempt and self harm. I have two very good reasons to not go back to that point in my life.

I lost my Uncle Danny when I was 14 years old. I remember the exact moment it happened and every detail of that entire day. I was close with him and took it beyond hard when I found out that I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye. That was the start to what still goes on to this day.

Here’s what I wish I could say to the two people who I trust with my life. I’m scared. I know I am safe, but I want to protect myself from getting hurt, and when you have been used to being hurt your entire life, not being hurt actually scares you more sometimes. I’m scared that I am going to go back to a bad place in my life and that isn’t something that I want anyone to watch me go through. I’m scared that I will break and hurt those around me that try to build me back into what I once was. I’m scared that what I do to myself will be seen and noticed even when I try to hide it….

Most of all I am scared that you will see me for what I truly am. Not the smiley girl who is introverted but is starting to come out of her shell. I’m scared you will only see the girl that cries her self to sleep more often than not. The girl who is scared every time she sees you that you will say you don’t want to be friends anymore. I’m scared you will leave and not think twice about the broken soul that you leave behind.

I am a puzzle with so many missing pieces that I cant be put together.

Someday as I continue to share who I am on this blog, you will start to see what each piece of that puzzle looks like. I hope that the two people that this is meant for stay around long enough to see what the first image may have been.

 

 

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