1/31/17

Damn I don’t even know where to start right now. I feel like a failure in music. I am not nearly as good a player/musician as anyone here. I feel like I will never be good enough and I’ll always suck at music. I feel like a failure in school in general. I’m a crappy student and I don’t push myself hard enough. I need to be perfect and I can’t keep fucking up yet I do. I either push myself too hard or not enough. And A. I love her and she is a great sister, but she’s not helping me at all. I will always be here to help support her the best I can and to be a good friend but I can’t handle it always. She doesn’t always see the end outcome of what she says and I’m guilty of that sometimes too but not as much as she does it. I still don’t have my trust back in her yet which really suck and I have some of it back but I know I will get hurt again and I don’t know if I can keep putting myself back together. At some point I’m a lost cause that can’t be fixed. Sometimes I want to have my own friend and not have to share that person with all my other friends and that one guy for me was taken away and I needed that. And now with this job she is going to take away my work friends too and then I’m here with no one as my person. And it hurts because I will support her no matter what happens but I’m only human and sometimes I need to fix myself and I can’t have her pushing herself onto me when I need a moment. She makes me feel like a little speck and that’s not her fault at all. But it’s how I feel compared to her and it sucks. And you. L you are a amazing guy. All I want is for you to be happy and realize this world isn’t always a completely shitty place. And I will always support you no matter what you decide because you are my best friend and it’s what we do. But right now I melt inside as I hear you say how much you love E or when you do cute little things with A. It sucks so bad for me and that’s not your fault and I would rather see it than know it’s happened behind my back. But it sucks sometimes knowing band seeing how in love and smiley you are with those two and I’m just here. Which I’m used to, but it still hurts sometimes. And that’s where I’m a bit jealous. And L please do not get upset that you do this too me because it’s not your fault I feel like this and I can’t pick you up right now because of my shitty feelings. And along with all of that I have work. I love my job at times because my coworkers are so nice. But I get screamed at every single fucking day by students and parents who don’t know how much goes into their financial aid. And when I get screamed at for 15 min about how I should know their file when It’s not my job at all, it sucks. And I’m under so much pressure with work and school and family and friends and it’s just too much. I want to cry every night because everything hurts so bad and I feel like a failure in this world. And my parents keep reminding me of that every time I get home and I’m anything less than perfect. I try so hard to be something that my family can be proud of but I don’t think I will ever be that. And damn it I can’t even explain what it feels like to have depression and anxiety on top of all of that. I explained it to someone yesterday and they said wouldn’t they balance each other out? No. The opposite. You lay in bed staring at a wall feeling so much emotion that you feel nothing all while stressing out knowing your hw isn’t perfect and that you are gonna fail and be a college drop out. And then still laying in bed because everything hurts so much you can’t move. And repeating that every single day. And I can fight it every single day but no matter how much I do I will still lay in bed fighting to breathe as I have a anxiety attack and then cry over pure life. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel because I know it’s a light bulb that burned out when I was a kid. And sometimes it’s worse than other times but right now I’m so deep into a hole with no light that I can’t find enough motivation to walk the extra step to avoiding hitting the door. And then there is food issues in there. When I sit and stare at food for hours and don’t end up eating at all. Or even worse, eating so much because you feel that it’s the one thing you have a bit of control over and then wanting to purge because you ate. And then doing it all over again. But why can’t I just eat salad everyday? That’s how I got eating issues. Because I ate salad and I told myself it was healthy and then when I couldn’t eat salad one day I couldn’t eat and destroyed myself for having a egg salad sandwich. Repeat that every day for 3 years. And looking in the mirror and seeing someone who is fat and ugly and will never be good enough. And that one time I find a cute selfie that I like, I pick it apart so bad I have to delete it because I see worthlessness in it before the end. And that’s only on the outside. Then do that all over again on the inside because society likes extroverts so much more than insecure introverts. So I then get mad at myself for not being extroverted enough. Which makes me hurt more and be more introverted. And do we even want to go into what my past does to me everyday? How about everyday the fear that I’m going to say something wrong or not be good enough and that I am going to be screamed at or that I’m going to be hit. Or how about all the words that I was called and having to memorize then and still hearing them everyday in my head and now telling them to myself. And add the fear that my entire world is going to crumble around me as I lose friends and see my family get sicker and sicker and me not be able to fix them. Oh and I’m so worried about them I don’t even care about the days I know my body is hurting itself very badly but as long as my friends and family are okay, then who cares about me. Now take all of that, times it by 15, and then put that all into your head at once and never let it stop. And that’s not even everything but if I had to type it all I would be here for a very very very long time. So there. That’s what’s bothering me right now.
It all hurts so freakin bad.

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