2/14/17

So I’m not really sure how to explain depression completely cuz it’s kinda hard to put into words. It’s the feeling when any tiny bit of happiness is taken away and replaced with pure numbness. I wake up some days and can’t get out of bed. Not that I’m lazy and don’t want to get out of bed. But I physically CANT get out of bed. And if somehow you manage to get out of bed, you stand up next to your bed and can’t move any farther. You can know you have a lot to do and it’s extremely important but you still stand there numb on the outside and breaking completely in the inside. It’s sometimes being manic and thinking you are on top of the world and invincible. It’s someone making a fantastic joke that everyone is laughing so hard about and you knowing it’s funny but not being able to even smile. Or sometimes it’s over laughing trying to make yourself feel something. It’s knowing you have to go to work but sitting and doing nothing other than looking outside even though you might lose your job. It’s being numb and extremely broken all at the same time. It’s finding the strength to walk to class and sometimes going to class is the same difficulty as walking in from of a train. It’s being extremely sad and not knowing why. It’s being given every reason to be happy but sitting there destroyed. Its not about just going to class, it’s about trying to find the motivation to go when you have none, and then trying to ignore your brain telling you that everyone is judging ever single move you make, and then not letting anxiety tell you that everything about you is failure and wrong. It’s forgetting to eat for long periods of time and then it caring enough to eat. It’s crying some days when you remember you have to eat so you don’t get sick. It’s knowing you are hurt and you can’t do anything about it because you don’t even understand why you are hurt.

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