5/12/17

You make friends, you lose them. You get a crush, you get shot down. You get diagnosed with a mental illness, you get mocked.

I started at Harper knowing not a single person, I wanted a new start so that’s what I tried for. It’s amazing how much more you see when you don’t have the stress of friends. I wanted friends though, so I tried. I met some amazing people, and some people who I thought were amazing. I didn’t see that there was any difference until later when I got my first crush here.

He’s one of the sweetest guys I have ever met, and I still have feelings for him. But he’s a oblivious guy. He was the first person that accepted me as a friend without me having to try. I had a crush on him pretty early in the year once we started to really talk. Let’s call him person L.

My first friend I got close with, I truly had to make a effort to become friends with. She was in one of my music classes and we sat next to each other but she intimidated me so I never talked to her. Finally I got the courage to talk to her and we started to get close. She was a pretty cool person and she honestly made my days so much better. Let’s call her person A.

I was close with person A and B and it was great, we were what we called, The Triangle. We were friends with each other. Everything was amazing and I loved how things were going. It wasn’t until I had a crush on person L, and loved him with my entire heart that I saw person A and L we’re dating. It broke my heart in more pieces than I could count. We would sit on Skype and they would flirt, without them even knowing how in love I was with person L. It wasn’t until their first big fight that I realized I was in the middle of the relationship and I was stuck that way.

Through the fights, the drama, the love, the friendship, I was there. It broke my heart more and more but I never said anything. They got into a fight around Christmas and I was told by Person A that she didn’t have any feelings for L. L was telling me he had no feelings for A. I trusted them and that was the worst mistake I ever made. After much more drama, I realized that person A was still in love with L, and L never stopped loving A. But at that point I had already told them both my love for L.

They both broke me to a point I never recovered. After all the time they put me through hell but I stuck with them, they both broke me to the point I couldn’t be fixed anymore. Eventually they were done with each other and I was the one left to pick sides. I chose person L because I truly thought that person was being honest with me and that I could trust them.

I stopped getting close with person A after our last fight, she broke me and didn’t care or even see what she did. She wants to be close again but because she broke me so badly I don’t trust anyone, I can’t put my guard down in fear i’m gonna be destroyed all over again. Shes a plague that only those who are broken get. You can accept it and get the plague, or fight with every part of yourself. So that is what I am doing, fighting even though it hurts.

Person L I thought I would never lose and thought he understood how much our friendship meant to me. It wasn’t until he got back together with his ex and I found out through a text on his phone that I realized that wasn’t the case. It broke my heart knowing I wasn’t even worth telling in the first place. I went to work early and asked him about it over text and acted like I was a bother who he didn’t want to deal with. Once he finally admitted that this was what was going on I didn’t want anything to do with his girlfriend at the time. Lets call her K.

I talked to her over text for a long time before I finally met her in person. Once I met her in person we talked and quickly realized that we were both lied to. Person L didn’t think we would actually figure out that he was lying to us both, but we did. That was the day I lost every ounce of trust I had in him. Me and K were fine and we are still very close to this day, but not after we both got dragged through the mud.

But you have to pick and choose your battles sometimes. I decided it would be fine to try to stay close with both Person L and K and that was a terrible decision, because its not possible to try to stay friends with both of them. You have to pick one or the other. I chose to keep person L and lose person A. But I didn’t think I would have to chose between L and K. But I had to when K decided that she no longer wanted to talk to me since I had originally chose person L.  Ill be honest. This time it actually hurt losing her, since I had actually trusted her. But that’s what had to happen if I wanted to stay friends with L.

Things would maybe be easier if maybe the only thing I had to worry about was this. But then I have to figure out how to deal with friends, work, and family. Which ill be honest, just really sucks. Oh yeah, and mental health which just really is a pain and I hate it with every bit of passion I have.

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