8/8/17

I don’t even know if I want to say more other than today is a bad day. Slightly passively suicidal, partly numb, mostly depressed. You know, the fun stuff. So I started meds like a week and half ago. And I didn’t have anything different other than side effects the entire first week. But Saturday and Sunday I noticed it’s starting to kick in. My mood is the same, but I’m starting to be a little less tired and I have energy, which I’ve never had. For the first time in over 6 months I was able clean my room, it’s been longer than that since I was able to really truly clean everything in my room. I did that this weekend. I cleaned my back bedroom too. For the first time i was able to get out of the bed in less than a hour. And it’s amazing. But there’s a completely different side to it all. I’ve spent my entire life with no energy and having the world hurt and being screamed at because I couldn’t clean my room at all. And that’s horrible, but that was my normal. It’s all I’ve ever known. I learned how to function like that. It’s who I was. But now suddenly I have energy. And I felt a little bit of happiness which I’m not at all used to. And I feel lost. Because I don’t know who I am without depression and pain and no energy. I feel like I’ve lost who I am and it hurts. And today was a really really rough day.
Okay so I’m really aggravated right now because I typed this entire freakin paragraph and I hit backspace and undo didn’t work so I’m sorry if I’m a complete jerk right now but I’m not having it. It’s 1am, my body decided it’s time to be wide awake and I literally want to scream. At 11pm my father decided to come into my room and tell me to come fix the old computer. So I got up and went and fixed the issue. He then wanted me to transfer a couple thousand pictures onto a flash drive. So I transferred one picture and then checked on the laptop to make sure it was there so I was confident it would work. My father decided that when I was transferring that one photo I pulled the flash drive out and that the picture didn’t transfer and yelled at me. I calmly said that I didn’t touch the flash drive and I was confident the photo transferred. He then yelled at me again that I was wrong but “whatever do what ever the fuck you want”. So I went silent and just grabbed he flash drive and put it into the computer and did another photo to show him how it worked. He snapped at me to just do it. Well when I went to transfer more photos I opened them and saw they were all the ones I already transferred. I should have just shut up cuz he yelled at me about that too. Finally I said I would do it in the morning since it’s not like we can go anywhere with it tonight anyway and I said I was tired, you know cuz I was in bed in the first place. He yelled at me, loud enough that my mom woke up in a different room, that I have no reason to be tired because my job is bullshit and I have not idea what being a adult is like and I do nothing and my mom does everything. So yeah. I’m really frustrated right now. I’m tired and I’m frustrated.

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