8/9/17

Bad day pt 2. Only this time I lack both energy AND happiness. Oh, and I’m fifty levels of moody. I seriously just want to escape my own brain right now. Remembering more old memories like seriously sucks. I know there is more I don’t remember and I know I’m probably gonna start remembering those too and that’s gonna really hurt. I have a temper, and it’s awful. I’m pretty good at keeping a level head, I’ve always been very cautious of that. But here’s my weakness. Sensory overload. Every sound is magnified by ten and I hear every sound and can’t focus on one. It’s too much. This isn’t my normal routine. There’s too many people, cars, places. Every part of my world is too loud. The sounds, what I see, everything. That’s when it’s too much, that’s when my emotions take control of me instead of the other way around. That’s when I get upset and frustrated and angry. My anxiety increases and so does my emotions and usually the first one that will come out is an attitude. Usually immediately following that is me shutting down. Sometimes it’s when I’m in the car with my mom and she will say something that in the slightest bit hits a emotion and suddenly everything is too much. Other times is in Walmart and I become flustered or frustrated, and I feel like I’ve lost every aspect of control I have. Everything becomes too much and if I can’t leave it gets harder and harder to handle. This morning I got frustrated, and of course – sensory overload. My mom snapped at me because of it this morning. I deserved it. Even when I get overwhelmed I should know to stay quiet. If I stay quiet everything is still way too much, but at least my mom or dad snapping at me isn’t another thing that’s overwhelming. Why is everything too much? I know the brain is so complex, and sometimes that’s just too much. Today everything is just too much and I don’t know how to escape it.
So i’m not sure I will be able to actually put all of this into words, or even talk about it, but i’m going to try anyway. Last night I remembered another pretty unfortunate memory. I don’t really know what triggered it to be honest, still trying to figure that part out. I have a white cabinet in my room, its as tall as I am and i’ve had it my entire life. The way my room is set up is that right when you walk into my room, on the right is the cabinet. Its always been in the same spot because the wall is too small to have anything else there. When I was younger I would be in the living room with my parents and something would happen and sometimes it resulted in me being screamed at. While that was terrible and no child ever deserves that, I could handle it. I would cry in my room at night but nobody ever knew. Sometimes it was worse than that though, and those were the times I knew I was going to be hit or something bad was gonna happen. When that would happen, sometimes I would stay in there and take whatever was going to happen. But sometimes I would run as fast as I could into my room, close the door and sit on the floor with my feet against the white cabinet trying to keep my bedroom door shut as my parents did everything they could to force their way into my room. Half the times I did that they would get in and what ever I had comin before was now five times worse, the other half by the time I moved away from the door they calmed down and I only got yelled at. It was usually a risk I was willing to take. I remember being absolutely terrified the second I got on the floor because I knew my parents were going to do everything they could to get in, and a few time because I was pushing to hard against the door when my parents forced their way in I ended up hurt. I guess that’s what was bound to happen if I did what I did. Like I said, i’m trying to figure out what triggered it, still haven’t found out what. So there is that. The other thing I wanted to try my best to talk about is one of my biggest insecurities, being bisexual. I’ve always been very insecure about this even though I know its who I am. I’m gonna try to say as much of this as I can before I fall asleep. So I had a crush on my best friend for years. I didn’t fully make the connection that I could like anyone like that other than guys until I was in junior high. Looking back I see it perfectly clear, but at the time it was such a grey area for me. I liked boys but I still had that same feeling for Rebecca. I remember being bullied by these two girls and them going around and telling every one that I was gay and then everyone else making fun of me even more because of it. I did everything I could to make sure everyone knew I liked boys. If i’m honest, when I first started getting bullied about being gay, I didn’t even know what gay meant.  I just knew that if they were saying I was, I needed to make sure everyone knew I wasn’t. Eventually I went home and searched it and realized pretty quick what it meant. I was in 5th grade. This continued on and off through 8th grade. My freshman year of high school I questioned for quite a while if I was gay or not. For a while I truly didn’t know if I was or not. Once I figured out I wasn’t, I took every opportunity I had to deny that I was bisexual to myself. I so badly wanted my sexuality to be black or white, and I realize now that most things are some shade of grey. It came up a lot and I every time I tried to shoot it down. When I was a junior was when I really thought about it more than just denying it. I thought about every aspect of who I was hoping that I would find a valid reason to deny it all over again, but I couldn’t. But yet again I did what I did best, just deny it for the sake of not dealing with it. Every time I thought about it after that it hurt more and more trying to deny it.  But I did, until college hit my like a bus and I actually had to face what the past 18 years of my life were. That first semester of college was when I came out for the first time. I was so insecure about coming out and that was as clear as it possibly could be. After than I am still insecure about coming out, but not for the same reasons. Not because I am afraid that i’m straight and making a mistake even though it is clear, but because it means i’m another step farther from what my parents and family always wanted me to be. I came out to M and honestly that sucked, because immediately following that was one of the worst weeks of my life, and the week after that wasn’t much better. For one of the first times in my life, I didn’t want to deny it and I tried accepting it. It didn’t go real well, but it was a start. That’s what I need, a starting point. So here is this, I am okay with being bisexual. It doesn’t matter what any one else thinks because I deserve to be able to love every aspect of myself. Whether I date a guy or a girl, all that matters is that I feel loved and that I am happy. Its okay to be bisexual, and its okay to love myself more because of it. I owe that to myself. Its okay to give myself a break, i’m human and that’s okay.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s