I was thinking I could maybe type twice as much tonight since I didn’t post last night, but not sure how well that’s gonna work out. Last night I was so tired I couldn’t even finish my post. And what I did type didn’t even make sense. Other than I was fed up with work, which continues to today. I have the most complicated love hate relationship with financial aid that its actually kinda pathetic. But I can’t really do much about it considering I need the money and in-district tuition. At least my boss is the nicest woman in the world and I absolutely love most of my coworkers. Its the other departments that make me want to cry. But oh well, things happen.
Usually going into this I already know what I want to talk about but today is a little bit different. I guess tonight i’m gonna just type about the little things that are bothering me and see where it goes. So I’ve talked some about my not so awesome relationship with food, which right now it makes sense that it more anxiety related rather than control/self insecurity related. This morning I looked in my mirror and thought I looked kinda cute for once, and that I didn’t feel insecure about my weight. The only problem was I wasn’t insecure about my weight because I know I only eat one meal a day right now. I immediately corrected myself, but its frustrating I still go to that. I have control now, while I don’t have it for everything, I have a lot more than I did when I was that 16 year old. And while I still have times where I am extremely self conscious, I actually see myself as cute sometimes. Its kinda awesome haha. I guess its okay to love myself, maybe it could actually be a good thing. I deserve to love myself, I think I owe it to myself. I owe that to myself even though my mom is mad at me over the fact I suck at college miserably. She has the right to be, I admit I am doing a pretty dang bad job at being a good student. I’m trying, I may not be doing a very good job but I am trying. Maybe i’m not hard enough on myself when it comes to school. I don’t even know about this. But right now I don’t really know or understand a lot of things. I’m so tired right now I can’t even finish this, I tried.