8/12/17

I actually got smart and decided I should start this before 11pm when i’m incredibly tired. So someone I have been talking to asked what my biggest insecurity is. Honestly I had to really think about it, because i’m just overall insecure so I don’t tend to think about one specific thing that bothers me most. He took a guess that it was my smile, and I wasn’t sure why that’s what he thought so I asked why. This is the response that really made me stop, “You are really smiley when you talk to me, but you always try to kind of cover your smile. Don’t worry about it, your smile looks absolutely beautiful on you.”. This made me absolutely speechless for two reasons, because he is very right about my insecurity with my smile, and also because his comment took away that insecurity for a second. I remember when I was younger I used to smile and my mom would critique the way I smiled til I would smile exactly how she wanted. If i’m honest I admit she still does it, and it still makes me a little self conscious every time she says anything about it. Do I changer my smile because she comments on it? No. I would rather be myself and continue to learn to love my smile than to change it because of her opinion on it.  What I didn’t really think about was all of my insecurities are things that others have commented badly on. If I stop thinking immediately about what others have said about me, maybe I wouldn’t be as insecure as I am. Easier said than done, but saying it is at least a start.

*Side note: this annoying pop up comes up ever 2 minuets telling me I don’t have my virus scan turned on right now and I cant figure out how to make it go away. Like please, little pop up bubble, LEAVE MY FLIPPIN LAPTOP SCREEN. Oh and my mom just turned on Harry Potter and I swear I have these movies like memorized by now.*

I’m kind of thinking about all of the things I don’t like about myself or I do because of someone else, and honestly its a lot. A lot more than I like to admit. There is a fair amount of things I don’t like to admit. But that’s going to be another post that is gonna be set to private. Some things don’t need to be said and that’s okay. But here’s some good, I haven’t been suicidal in a week and its honestly so amazing feeling safe with myself. I may be depressed still but nothing compares to the feeling of safety. A feeling I haven’t had in a while. And I had a really awesome moment last night! I don’t take many selfies because when I do I have this unfortunate habit of finding every single detail wrong with the picture until I end up deleting it. But last night I actually took a fair amount of cute pictures and didn’t hate myself in them. It was honestly really wonderful loving myself for a while. I need to do it more often lol. But on a completely unrelated topic, right now its really unfamiliar and confusing having energy but at the same time being really down. I’m not sure that just made sense but whatever. I can tell I absolutely have more energy but at the same time I want to go curl up in bed and watch Netflix the entire day. Also my stomach really is just not having any part of this and its kind of annoying.

Sooooo today is just gonna be a long one. I just got from the wake and I am just gonna put all the stuff I wont say out loud right here for a bit. So I couldn’t find any nice tops to wear, and realized I don’t even have any. I could have just went to the store and bought one, but the issue is that I strongly dislike shopping. Not because I just don’t like putting in the effort, but because I am insecure every time I can’t find anything that fits or there isn’t my size. I hated having to go shopping and I still kind of do, simply because I know how I will probably end up feeling. Annnnnd it sucks. I’m getting better with it which is nice but it sucks knowing I still dread it so much. Here’s another thing that really just straight up sucks, I really dislike anxiety and anger and I have both of them and I would love if they would both stop. I just. Ugh. I don’t know. I’m just frustrated at myself. Really frustrated. I’m annoyed that I’m so freaking insecure. I have   4 months worth of posts set to private. 4 months that I am too insecure to let anyone else read. 4 months that I am so disappointed in myself over that I’ve considered deleting them. Ugh. Just Ugh.

……..Im so scared what I think happened actually happened………

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