8/13/17

So this morning wasn’t real fun, I woke up at 5am having a panic attack. I have a small idea of what the dream was but I don’t remember much. All I know for sure is that when I woke up, every little noise I heard I was sure I was going to be hit and flinched. I’m kind of scared to sleep tonight because of it. It’s honestly bothering me that I know there is still more I don’t remember and I might eventually remember it. I have a really unfortunate feeling about something and I really hope i’m wrong about it. I mean, could this actually have happened to me? Wouldn’t I remember if something like that happened to me? Ugh. I have a lot of memories around it and it’s a lot that is affecting me now, i’m genuinely afraid the actually thing happened. I don’t know which scares me more, the idea of me remembering it, or the idea that its there but I can’t remember. At least if I don’t remember the actual event I can avoid dealing with the rest. If I end up remembering i’m gonna have to figure out how to even say it. I’ll face that when and if I get to that point. I’m just really scared of the feeling I have in my stomach about this. I was just a kid, why did they do this. Why did they think doing any of this was okay. I was a kid and there was nothing I could do to fight it and they knew that. I was just a kid…..

I thought I kind of came to terms with everything with dad, and I just realized I was more of avoiding it than actually facing it. Truth is I am genuinely scared my dad is gonna die. My mom acknowledged it today by saying “Hes just withering away in front of us”. The sad part is, shes right. He doesn’t eat and doesn’t do anything himself. Hes not my dad, I don’t even know who he is anymore. I don’t know what I want to say to him. I know I want him to know I love him no matter what but I know he knows that.

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