8/16/17

Wasn’t sure if I was even gonna type tonight, but here I am. Today wasn’t too bad, got some homework done ahead of time, finished the last few things in my car, and got a little bit of time to just sit and relax. Wish I had more days like this to be honest. At least the being productive part. Emotionally today kinda sucked, but it could have been worse. Today I’ve more numb than anything, hasn’t been real fun. My mom won’t talk to me, so that’s great, it’s not the first time this has happened though. It doesn’t really surprise me anymore it’s just kind of frustrating if anything. Im just used to it now, which says something about how often it happens. Not much I can do about it though. My dads actually talking to me more than my mom, so that’s new. He’s starting to feel a little bit better today, which is good. I miss him being himself and he’s still not back to him but this is a little bit better. Maybe he will get there eventually though. It’s taken me almost a hour just to type this much, which is really bad considering I would usually type this much in 10 minutes. I really don’t want to do anything right now. Honestly I don’t really want to live right now so that’s fun. Everything just kinda hurts yet I feel nothing. It’s confusing but really just isn’t awesome. Nothing really is right now. Ugh. I really don’t like feelings like this, really don’t like that I’m thinking about death as much as I am. I have a 24 hour rule so as long as I remember that then I’ll probably be okay. Usually I think about self harm before anything, but right now I don’t really want to do that that much, just kinda want to end it all. Won’t have to deal with all the feelings I have after. My parents won’t have to deal with me being away and being a bother anymore. They will miss me for a little while but they will move on eventually. I love my dog but he’s better off if I’m gone. He will get used to me being gone pretty quick anyways. I’d say I need to stay because of college but I’m probably gonna mess that up anyway. What’s the point when all I do is bother everyone and screw up. Ugh I really just don’t want to anything anymore. I guess this is why I’ve always tried to stick to the 24 hour rule. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel something, maybe tomorrow I won’t want to end everything as bad.  Or I’ll want to do it more in which case we will see what happens I guess. Hopefully I’ll just get myself to just start the 24 hours again. I don’t really know, whatever happens happens I guess. 

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