8/22/17

It’s 5:30am and I’m not even sure this is the right date. Woke up five hours after taking the lovely Clonidine, and it’s been over a hour and can’t fall back asleep. I mean, five hours is still great compared to 1 hour until I eventually was so exhausted I slept for 12, but every time I wake up and see 4am I want to through my phone across my room just so I don’t see what time it is.   Also I’m nervous once again for today, and I don’t even think because of my classes. Honestly I’m just worried that I won’t be good enough. My mom keeps asking if I’ve gotten a tutor yet and that I need to go get help for all of my classes, and she doesn’t understand that I’m not doing terrible at college because I can’t figure it out or can’t learn it. I suck at college because my anxiety is so high I can’t even breathe when I think about going to class. I suck at college because I can’t focus half the time even if I wanted to. I suck at college because I’m so depressed that sometimes I physically cannot get myself to be able to even finish one question. No, I’m not lazy. I push myself as hard as I can and sometimes I break. No, it’s not “relaxing” when I can’t bring myself to do homework. Usually I end up in tears and don’t want to live because I feel like such a failure. What’s a bit worse is that I always feel like that with her. She wanted her daughter to be a girly girl that she could always go shopping with and would go to a amazing college, and be perfect. And instead she got me. I have no shame in not being a girly girl, I never have been and never will be. I’m sorry that I can’t go shopping, because I honestly kind of like it but I don’t trust myself to be positive enough to handle it. And I’m sorry I’m not doing good in college, but I’m not sorry for what I struggle with and my weaknesses. I am not going to be ashamed of myself just because you are ashamed of me because of it. I don’t deserve to do that to myself and that will not help me in the slightest.

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