8/24/17

Normally I try to go into this with a little bit of a idea about what to talk about. Tonight I don’t really know, I guess I’m just very overwhelmed. I admit, this week has been really tough. I thought I was really ready to handle all of my courses, and I’m realizing how difficult it is for me. It’s just a lot with drama at work, my parents, trying to work through my issues, and figuring out meds. Although I’m incredibly thankful for the person that pushed me just the right amount to get me to start meds, because it has honestly been one of the best things I have ever done for myself. While it has been kind of scary not knowing exactly how I will feel and what to expect, for the first time in a long time I amfinally able to sleep and my anxiety is under control. And I’ll be completely honest, I don’t think I could have done it without being pushed. I still feel depressed which is isn’t awesome, but now Instead of just being depressed I have a lot of other emotions. I admit that I’m not sure how to handle them right now, and they are definitely controlling me more than I am controlling them. It’s somewhat confusing that I have more emotions not that my anxiety is chilled out more, I sort of thought it would be the other way. I’m not really sure what is causing what, I know I have a lot more emotions and they are all very overwhelming but I don’t know if it’s just because school started, because I’m so much more stressed, or because the anxiety chilling out. I see Dr.H tomorrow so he will know and be able to help me some. I’m kind of scared to face my problems more, because truth is I have never really gotten this far. This is all new and quite confusing/overwhelming. I think this accurately explains how overwhelmed and emotional I currently am:

It all started with a student on the phone, a very nice woman who was quite confused about her payment plan but was very cooperative with each step I gave her. At the end of the call, someone I work with jokingly turn off my computer screen. As the call ended I put it back on the phone thing and said “seriously?!” to the person I work with. What I was unaware of was that the phone (being as sucky as they are) did not disconnect so the student heard me. About a minute later the same student called back asking to speak to a manager. I immediately realized it was the same student and quickly explained what happened and apologized for the misunderstanding. The student understood and said that mistakes happen, and in the end decided there was no need to speak to anyone else. I hung up that phone call and almost immediately my boss walked in. There are supposed to be multiple people for each office on the phone line, however at this moment I was the only one logged in. So I asked my boss to check to see if anyone else was even logged in, to which he came back a few minutes later and explained that it is not our problem if the other office does not log into the phones and it is not my responsibility to answer all of the calls. He told me to process a few faxes and then continue doing a few phone calls. I completely broke into tears, to the point I had to get up and go to the bathroom just to sit on the floor for a moment and absolutely bawl as I felt so frustrated, overwhelmed, and flustered, that I couldn’t even hold my emotions back anymore. What happened when I got home was no better. I had just got home from college and went into the bathroom and there was a moth. Now, I am terrified of basically any flying insect (are moths and butterflies even insects?) so there was no way I was going to kill the moth myself. So I did what anyone else would do, ask mom to kill it. While all of this was going on we were about to go pick up dinner, and we decided to kill the moth when we got back. We went and got dinner and came back and I asked my mom again to please kill the moth.  So we went inside and to the bathroom and my mom asked where it was, so I showed her, just to find out it wasn’t there. My mom, who knows I am terrified of moths, immediately broke out laughing, which made me start to laugh. However my laugh wasn’t because it was hilarious that the moth was now gone, but because I laugh when I am at my breaking point. The more frustrated and aggravated I get, the more I laugh.  At this point my small giggle was turning into one of those laughs were it almost turns silent. What happened next I was not ready for, my laugh suddenly turned into crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor with my back against my door, being unable to stop the tears. This was my breaking point. 

This was all on Wednesday, and today, once again I broke down into tears. Although this time was in my car which was much easier to hide. I cry in my car a lot, but I don’t really know if that’s a good thing or bad. Im bound to find out eventually. I imagine it’s healthy to cry some, but not healthy to not be able to control it. It’s amazing that I have so many questions yet don’t have any at all. I guess I just have to trust the two people who understand my brain more than I do, and let them do what they know is going to be best for me. Maybe by the time I see M again I will be able to talk about the thing that scares me most. But I guess if I can’t then that okay too, because someday I will be able to, and I’ll be okay. 

One step at a time..

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