Last night, I seriously thought about the reason I blog what I feel on a daily basis. Do I blog because I hope that if I talk about it (or at least write about it), that I will be able to forget again? Do I blog so that I can sort out all the thoughts in my head and try to get control of them instead of them controlling me? Or do I blog to try and gain the same relief from expressing my feelings on a post as I gain from hurting myself in some way? If I honestly think about it, I do this for all three of those reasons.
The human brain is a fascinating thing that is too complex to understand completely, and there is still a incredible amount of things we need to learn. I’ll be honest, I know very little about how the brain works, however I have learned that it does what it needs to in order to protect you from danger. In this case, it made me forget the memories from when I was a kid. They were still there but I couldn’t remember. I know I won’t probably just forget them again, but my goal is to be able to handle them instead of them handling me. That’s the next best thing, and honestly that probably better than just forgetting them again.
Right now, logically I know I can control what’s going on in my life and work through the memories, however I still feel like I have absolutely no control. I guess that’s also a reason I blog. This is one thing that only I have control of. Other people can read it, like it, and even comment, but only I can post and nobody has power over what I post. Its the one true place I can escape and be myself, and I don’t have to worry that my world will come crashing down simply because of what I said on here. Its frustrating knowing i’m one person at college and a completely different person where I live. There is only two places I can be myself, one is here, and the other is where I actually talk about all of this. I wish I could say all of frustration I have with not only life, but myself, however I am still too scared to say most of this out loud. I guess if I say it out loud, then I have to learn how to accept what happened. I’m learning there are a few major cons to not saying some of this out loud. I haven’t been able to even be completely open on here which is essentially causing me to keep all of the emotions bottled up; If I don’t talk about it, then I continue to deny it ever happening. Both of these result in me hurting myself both emotionally, and sometimes physically.
This is the last reason I try to blog on a daily basis. The reason I ever self harmed, and sometimes still have the urge to is because I want the release and moment of calm after I’ve done it. Typing gives me that same satisfaction for the most part. While this usually takes a lot longer and sometimes I genuinely can not handle trying to put into words what I am feeling, in the end I feel the same calm and same release as I do if I self harm. Right now, my mind still goes to self harm and suicide whenever something bad happens, however i’m slowly trying to change that.
What I hope someday I am able to do:
- Think about typing or another form of release before self harm/suicide
- Love myself, forgive myself, and do what I need to do to help myself
- I want to Trust.
Everything I typed on this post, is the reason I blog. I dream that someday I will be able to look back on these posts and smile and be happy because I accomplished what I always thought was impossible. I already did this for something I never thought I would have again: Hope.