I don’t really know how I feel about today, just kind of a mix of emotions. I was tired this morning considering I have been up since five AM and didn’t go to bed last night until one AM. I was able to function and do what I needed to do this morning, which is definitely a good thing. Drove to work and sat and did homework for a few hours, was actually productive. Had a bit of a rough time trying to go to class, felt some of the anxiety come back.
*Its been a week and a half since I started Buspar for anxiety, and it works great honestly. It takes away the constant anxiety that never goes away, which is one of the main things I thought it was impossible to live without. When my anxiety increases more than the basic level it feel it again. Its a amazing feeling being able to breathe without feeling the pressure on my chest from every little bit of anxiety. What I wasn’t prepared for, was for the meds to actually work. Its not that I didn’t believe the person who helped push me to start the meds in the first place, but I have always felt the same way, in constant anxiety, and didn’t understand that what I felt wasn’t what everyone else felt. I was so used to the constant state of anxiety that when I felt calm for the first time, I started to feel…. “Okay”. I got comfortable for a minute and I don’t know if that was the right thing to do. Now that I know what calm feels like, the anxiety I still sometimes feel hurts more than ever. This…. this was what I was afraid of, feeling okay and getting used to it.*
I was able to go to class, however I was so tired that I basically fell asleep sitting up. I went back to work for a few minutes and paced hoping that would wake me up, and it did slightly. I went to piano, and played the pieces perfect, while half the class can’t even read music. I went to work after after piano and honestly just wanted to cry. I don’t know if its because I was/am so stressed, or because I really just wanted a break to breathe and reset. Either way, I was just genuinely upset and wanted to be anywhere but where I was. When I finally got my break in the day I sat and did homework, which is still not a break, but at least if I get something done, then I will feel like I was productive.
*I am terrified that I will start to think that I can do good, and will pass all my classes with good grades. If I get comfortable then I know I will mess up, I will fail again. Heck, i’ll probably screw up somehow either way. I shouldn’t have had confident, there is no possible way that I will actually do good, I never do good. I’m giving myself false hope.*
I did homework for about a hour and a half and then went back to work. I quickly got overwhelmed when I started to work again, again making me want to cry. I don’t think I have ever been so thankful to get off work before. However going home is just as disappointing as a stressful day at work. I get home, just to have my parents tell and make me feel like a failure, a disappointment, and absolutely worthless.
*I’m starting to believe them, maybe I am a failure, a disappointment, worthless. Maybe I should have just given up sooner. I will never be good enough, I never was and never will be. Why does everything hurt so much even when I feel nothing. This is too confusing. What does happiness feel like, am I happy and just don’t know it? I’m still so depressed or at least I thought I was, but I feel no different now. What does normal feel like, why can’t I just feel normal. At least when I wasn’t doing meds or anything, I only knew one way of feeling, so that was normal to me. This is a entirely different world and I have no clue where I belong in it.*
Usually I just end up curling up in my room and relaxing, so that i’m home but don’t have to interact with my parents at all. I am finally starting to sleep all the way through the night which is absolutely amazing, I miss being able to sleep. I’m currently curled up in my room on my bed typing this, escaping my family. Somehow even though I am in my room, I still can feel the worthless feeling I get when I spend time with them.
Today, I won. I struggled and I almost drowned in my own stress, anxiety, and depression, but i’m alive and doing my best. Today, I won.