Last night was a rough night by every definition of the word, and today wasn’t much better. Last night I was trying to understand my own mind, and I should have known better than to do that. I have always been used to anxiety and depression together, somewhat balancing each other out. This is the first time I am trying to get used to only feel the depression and it feels five times heavier. I feel betrayed by my own brain, and I don’t know enough about the brain to even understand why. Today, the emotion that overpowered everything else, was depression. I felt absolutely no happiness today, and even moving a inch felt like a task to big to handle. I didn’t think anyone else had noticed, however I was wrong. A friend I work with noticed I was zoning out a fair amount today, and asked if I was okay, and I said yes. When I left the college, that same friend texted me and said this: “Are you sure you’re ok:( you seemed so down today. I’m here to listen if you need a friend girl” and after telling her that today was just a rough day with depression, she said this: “Sometimes those bad days Make the goods one more worth while. Just know there are tons of people here to support you. Carolyn. Me. Robert. Laura. All your other friends. Just let me know if you need a friend :)”. That is what I needed to hear to feel just a little bit of hope in a day full of pain. Did it take away the pain I was feeling? No, but it gave me hope in all of the pain. Truth is, whenever anyone asks if I am okay, whether is the best day of my life or the worst, I always say I am okay. When people ask you how you are, no one wants to hear you say “Im having a really rough day and i’m not okay”, they want to hear you say “I’m fantastic!”. By saying “I’m okay”, I am not being the sad person to those who ask how you are expecting a happy answer, but I am not setting myself up for disappointment. If I say “I’m good”, i’m giving myself hope that the day will be better than just “Okay”, and if its not, then I will be upset and feel worthless because I thought that maybe there was a actual chance I would be good. Its giving myself false hope. There are very few people I tell my actual feelings too, and not even those people know this. There’s one person I have told almost all of my demons to, and she doesn’t know this is why I say “I’m okay” every time I see her. There has been something that has been bothering me for multiple weeks , and I have hope that when my depression eventually gets better, this feeling won’t be as bad. What i’m scared of is that my depression won’t get better, I will always feel like this. I just keep giving myself false hope, and eventually I am gonna get hurt.
I’m truly scared that I am going to become suicidal, because odd’s are, if that happens, it won’t just be passive. Today, I acted positive, I ACTED positive. Today I was not okay. Its okay not to be okay. Tomorrow might be better, it might not. If I feel better tomorrow then that is positive, but if I don’t, then that is no more worse than today.
I have to have some hope, even if for today, it might be false.