8/31/17

My dad has stage four lung cancer and will barely talk to me, i’m not sure if he even wants to see me anymore. I want the dad that was there when I was younger, because even though he was always really hard on me, deep down he cared, at least a little bit. Now, truthfully I have no idea whether or not he cares, I barely recognize the man I currently call my father. I see him and I see a stranger. Right now i’m my own stranger, I don’t really know who I even am now. I left everything to come here to Harper, and I made something of myself here. I wasn’t the most well known, and I definitely wasn’t known as the loud extrovert everyone else was, but I still was at least known. This is now my second year at Harper, and those I saw at the end of the summer semester said they missed seeing me in the music building everyday. I figured that coming into this fall semester, I would be welcomed by my same friends, and things wouldn’t have changed. I was wrong, because nothing stayed the same. New music student came in, and i’m currently in classes with all of them because I failed my entire first year essentially. I thought that maybe I would make some friends in my classes, and everything would be okay. I’m either invisible or hated, i’m not sure which. There is a group of all my old friends who are now in the top level classes and will most likely be able to transfer at the end of this year, and another group of all new music student. Somehow I lost my place in my group and can’t get into a new one, somehow I was forgotten. I became a outsider, and I don’t even know where I belong now. I look at myself in the mirror and see a stranger, this is not the girl I thought I would become. I’m doing better in my classes since I sit at the extra desk at work and do homework and study all day. What I should have realized sooner was that I left behind the person I became when I started here. Nobody see’s me, they see the girl that started here and changed, and never came back. They see the girl that was eventually broken too many times and left. I’m finally the same person here as I am at home, and I realize that maybe that wasn’t what I actually wanted. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be someone I could never be. As I tried to become that person, I became who I am now, and i’m not completely sure who this person even is. I’m thankful that I am now doing well in my classes, and very thankful that someone knew how to push me just enough to get to this point. I have wanted to be able to do this for such a long time, but I guess I didn’t realize that even though I wanted this, maybe I wasn’t really prepared for this. I’m definitely not going to stop now, I just don’t know how to adjust, I don’t know what to do. I just want to stop feeling depressed so much, it keeps just getting worse and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I don’t know what to do about anything anymore…

I had a rough day to day and the past couple days have been no better, and I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow is going to be like. I have a post it on my laptop desktop that says “No matter how depressed, anxious, worthless, or hurt you feel, do not give up hope that tomorrow will be better.”. I do not know if tomorrow will be better or not, but someday I will be able to honestly say that I am good, even if today isn’t that day.

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