9/2/17

  • The abuse was your fault
  • You did nothing wrong
  • You could have been better and avoided it
  • There was nothing you could have done to stop it
  • What happened to you was just parenting, get over it
  • You were abused. What they did was abuse.
  • You love your parents so much
  • You hate your parents because of what they did and didn’t do
  • You don’t need your parents
  • You cant afford to do this all on your own
  • Tell them you are going to therapy, doing meds, and are bisexual
  • You known how bad things will get if you tell them

These were all of the things that have been running through my head today. Non-stop they repeat themselves and I can’t stop my own mind. My anxiety was greatly felt today, physically and emotionally. The more I get used to feeling real calm, the worse any anxiety feels. What I don’t understand is why random things my parents say, randomly trigger my anxiety. Things that should have zero effect on me. Today however, I also came out to my cousin. She is the first person I have told in my family, as well as the first outside of college. It was nice to be able to tell her and have her be supportive, especially as the first person I came out to up here. So that was good, so I guess at least one good thing happened today. The past few days have been kind of rough, now that anxiety isn’t distracting me as much, I feel the depression a lot more, which sucks. At least before they distracted me a bit from each other. I haven’t been actively suicidal for a couple weeks which has been nice, I admit a few times I thought about it but didn’t act on it or do anything towards it. That’s progress at least. My mom asked again today if I was seeing a tutor, and I said yes which is a complete lie. I’m doing really well in my classes though since i’m going to class. However I can’t tell her that its because i’m going to therapy and doing meds, and actually getting my life together somewhat. So I have to lie to her and just tell her what she wants to hear, and it sucks. All I want is to be able to be open to my parents and I can’t be, and its so frustrating. I want to be able to tell my mom when I feel really good for once, or if I feel absolutely awful, and I want to be completely honest about why. Today I thought about just saying whatever and telling my mom, but as much as I have a very small bit of hope (like 1%) that maybe my parents would be good with it, realistically that is once again, completely false hope. Ugh, today I really just don’t feel good, and its frustrating.

There is a topic I really want to post about and for some reason i’m still too scared to tell anyone and its bothering me a lot. Why can’t I just stop being so scared of this.

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