Today I did what I’ve wanted to be able to do for a while, I fought for myself. Today I told my mom I am doing meds and I am doing what I need to do for myself, without her. Today I loved myself.
I’m not someone who easily can stick up for themselves. Normally I just let everyone fire shots at me, and I stand there and take it. Today was different, today I fought for myself and spoke up, and did what I needed to do to help myself. My mom and I were sitting in the middle of the front yard looking at the flower garden and trying to figure out what plants would look good, and where. At some point (I’m not really sure how this was started) my mom mentioned that I need to do better in school and I can’t keep screwing up. She said that I need to be seeing a tutor more and work less and stop spending time with friends. Normally I would let her say these things, continue to be quiet until the topic passed. Instead I, in a very calm matter, stuck up for myself and told my mom I still go to therapy, that I am on meds, and that I did this all without her. I don’t know if it was Adrenalin, or what it was, but normally I would never be able to have done what I did without breaking down in tears to the point I couldn’t talk, and today I did it without a issue. After I said what I needed, my mom who refuses to be wrong, tried to make it seem like I was wrong and that she has done everything right. I corrected her rather quickly and made it know that I will NOT back down on this. Honestly, I’m pretty dang proud of myself, it was awesome sticking up for myself. Granted, I had a anxiety attack once I finished the entire conversation, it was still awesome. My mom didn’t react worst case scenario, however she did not act how I would have hoped. While she did not scream at me, and did not basically kick me out of the house, she said she will not support me in this, both emotionally, or financially. As well as she doesn’t not believe that what I am doing is right, and that I am not to tell my dad about any of this, because I do not need to be more of a bother than I already am. Here’s the thing, my mom said more than this to me during this interaction, and while I’m somewhat upset that my mom didn’t give me the reaction I had hoped for, I will not let this affect my decisions. I know what I need for myself and if my mom does not agree with it, then that is her loss. This is MY life, this is the thing I will always have control over and I will always do what I feel is best.
Don’t let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice, so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just fin your voice and when you do, fill the damn silence.
-Meredith Grey, Greys Anatomy
This quote is what I dream of doing, sticking up for myself. Today I accomplished that. I may still have a long way to go before I can do it more, this was the start. My biggest fear is being selfish, but I am proud of myself. And that’s okay, I am okay.