Its been a few days since I’ve posted anything, partly due to always trying to type at 12am when i’m falling asleep, partly because I have had so many emotions that i’m not sure how to put into words. Today was probably the roughest day I’ve had in a while, and i’ll be honest, it scared me a little bit. The past week or two, I have not been actively suicidal, which is absolutely amazing, and for a while I wasn’t passively suicidal either. Today, that all changed. Today I lost a little bit of hope again, which reminded me why I never had it in the first place.
I have always loved music since as far as I can remember. My family told me that when I was a kid, I would always get in trouble because I was constantly humming or singing something, and it was always the first thing brought up in Parent Teacher conferences. I first learned piano, then guitar, and then flute and I never stopped from there. My entire life I have had music, even when I lost everything else. So when it was time to pick possible college majors, music was absolutely in the top three. The one thing that I knew I wanted to do no matter what, was to work with kids to young adults, preferably in schools, and to inspire them. I had this planned since I was in sixth grade when a motivational speaker came to my school and inspired me more than anyone ever had before. I knew I was too shy to ever be a motivational speaker or anything of the sorts, so the next best thing would to be someone who worked in schools that could still inspire people the same way I was inspired. This led me to ultimately choose Music Education as my major.
I started college majoring in Music Education, which I thought was perfect, and my dream job. What I wasn’t prepared for was losing my love for music because it felt like work more than a passion, being unable to get over my biggest fears and anxiety to pass some of the classes needed, and considering changing my major.
Today I lost hope that maybe things would work out the way I had hoped. Today I became suicidal because I lost the one thing that has remained constant my entire life. Today, I did two things I swore I would never do again, both of which made me hit rock bottom. Right now, I feel like a complete failure and I don’t think I have ever been so disappointed in myself. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, but I am disappointed in myself for being depressed. I know I shouldn’t be, since I’ve been told is just a chemical thing, or at least the anxiety is, but I still feel so disappointed in myself. I still stand by the decision of doing meds, and I know I needed it. However, I don’t think I was actually ready to do it. I was completely confident that the meds would NOT work, so when they did, I got some hope. If I have learned anything, its not to have hope, because then there is a chance of losing it. Right now I want so badly to feel something that isn’t being depressed. I am on a med that would help and it has definitely given me some energy and motivation, but I still feel the same way emotionally as I always have, and I don’t know if that’s something that needs to be changed med wise, or if its a me issue. What if i’m not depressed and this is just what the world feels like, what if this is normal and i’m just wrong about what I feel. I’ll be honest, this is one of the things that is playing into being suicidal.
Today kind of sucked, and there is a good chance that tomorrow will be just as bad, but at least tomorrow will be a new day.