I attempted to type this last night but didn’t get very far before falling asleep, so here is try #2. I am scared, but not in the way you think I am. There are no spiders, no butterflies (yes, that’s a fear of mine), no heights. Instead, there are suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, judgement, failure, self harm, worthlessness. Nothing compares to that fear, the fear of no control.
I get asked “Are you suicidal?”, and sometimes depending on who it is, I will be honest and say yes. Majority of the time though, I say no. Depending on who knows you are suicidal and to what level, they may want you to go to the ER, essentially giving you no other option other than to do that, or call someone you know to alert them. Truth is, I am always suicidal. While I may not be taking action or forming a plan, the smallest thing will make me think “I want to die” or “Dying would be so much easier than living through this”. For me, it never truly stops and I have come to cope with that. I know I am strong and won’t attempt. I also know, sometimes I will breakdown completely because I will want to so bad. But I will get through it, I will fight because I refuse to let the people that hurt me so bad win.
When I get suicidal or really have the urge to self harm, majority of the time I will have a anxiety attack. Most of the time I can talk myself through it and attempt to find calm. Sometimes however, I can’t even think clearly enough to be able to do that. Sometimes if I trust enough, I will ask for help, and that’s okay. But if I go to you, understand that any little trigger I had before, is amplified by ten. The word “Hospital” or “ER” scare me and trigger a large amount of anxiety even when I am calm, so believe me when I say that if you send either of those words to me when I am having an anxiety attack or feel like I don’t have complete control of my body, I am going to panic much worse. If I go to you, I need you to help keep me grounded, not freak out, not trigger me more. If I am going to you, I am scared. I am terrified. It’s not that I have no control, but I am not thinking clearly and don’t remember I have control. I need you to remind me that I am safe and that I have control, I need you to keep me focused until I am grounded enough that I can remember all of this myself.
The reason I self harm is so I feel something instead of nothing. When I feel nothing, suicide looks like the perfect answer, even though I know that its the opposite. When I feel, everything hurts but at least I can see that suicide isn’t the only answer. Sometimes the only way I know how to feel some kind of emotion when I am numb, is to self harm. For a moment it brings me calm, while still having feeling. After I usually fall asleep and then wake up in the morning depressed all over again. But for that moment I self harm, it takes away the pain of being numb. I guess that’s part of the reason its addicting in a way.
The reason I go to people sometimes for help isn’t because I am going to kill myself or do something that is going to end in my life ending. I ask for help because I am scared, because I most likely want to self harm and feel it take away all of my pain for a moment to that I can breathe, because i’m having a anxiety attack and I feel like i’m suffocating. I am coming to you because i’m terrified of my own brain and while I can’t think clearly, you can. If I go to you, that means I trust you more than almost everyone I know, do not do something that could in the slightest scare me more, or hurt me, because I will lost trust in you and once it is lost, I do not give it back.