9/19/17

Figured it was a good time to type since its been about a week since my last post. Today is one of those days when every little thing I hear, I assume is against me. Days like this are when my fear of judgement and feeling of worthlessness are amplified by ten. I can’t complain too much, this is the most good days I have had in a long time, but the bad days still happen somewhat often, and those are what hurts so badly. Last night I got some bad news about my dad, and i’ll be honest when I say I was completely unprepared to hear it. Not only that, but last night my mom informed me that a bill that I thought was long taken care of, wasn’t paid at all, and its been since march. Now I have to relive a memory of a really sucky time of my life to get this paid and taken care of. My mom had agreed to pay at least the majority of the bill, since it is a fourth of what I make a year, but now i’m not sure I even want her help. The most frustrating thing right now is that I know I cant afford it, and honestly I will probably have to ask for help paying for it, which gives my mom the ability to say “I have supported you through this”, a opportunity I try to avoid every chance I get. Today is just a rough day, ya know?  Last night I stayed at work for a three hours to study and take my online psychology test, and I ended up getting a B on it, which in my mind is amazing compared to how I normally do. However, today I woke up and felt no pride or happiness like I did last night. Today I only felt the everlasting feeling of failure when it comes to being a student. Going to class still is really hard to do, not quite as hard as before since now its not due to pure anxiety (even though some of that is still there), now its simply due to lack of motivation and probably also a bit of laziness. Granted, I am still doing very well in my classes, but going to class is starting to not happen and that will drop my grade rather quickly. My mom just sees it as I am not trying hard enough, whereas I am pushing myself as hard as I can and still not succeeding. Its frustrating, and there isn’t much I can truly do to control it, and that is honestly the most frustrating part of it. I admit, right now the only things going through my mind are “You are such a failure”, and “You are so pathetic and worthless”, and right now I am losing the battle against those thoughts. Last night I curled up crying, simply over the fact my blades weren’t within reach of my bed. I wasn’t scared of myself like I normally am, I was just so frustrated that my life is so easily controlled by something that is so hurtful. Realistically, even the things that I can’t truly control that go through my head are just about as hurtful as the things I wish to do to myself.

*Confession: I am doing something that could probably be considered self harm, but nobody knows. I’m also too scared to tell anyone so that puts a rather difficult twist on it. I have opened up about almost everything other than this topic, and I am completely honest when I say that I don’t think that I will/can open up about this. Its frustrating hating something and feeling so pathetic and/or embarrassed about something that I can’t even open up to those close to me. I tried to type it on here but I haven’t even be able to accomplish that, and the majority of you I don’t even know. *

Today wasn’t necessarily a great day, or even a good one by any definition. Maybe tomorrow will be better…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s