9/21/17

Last night I tried to make a blog post however, at the time I was somewhat suicidal so it wasn’t exactly the most positive blog post. Tonight I have Wind Symphony so hopefully by the time I get home I will be able to just fall asleep. At least that’s what I hope. The past week hasn’t quite been the most enjoyable to say the least, but I still have a tiny bit of hope that things will get better again. It was nice not being suicidal for a while, to feeling like life was worth living was a good feeling. The depression feels like it hasn’t really changed much, but I guess since I wasn’t suicidal for a while it did at least some. Living just kind of sucks sometimes ya know, and its even more frustrating knowing that you could feel so much better but you don’t. You feel as terrible as you always do and it just doesn’t seem to go away long enough for you to truly enjoy it, which sucks. I just wish that these feelings would go away and stay away. I just want to feel really happy for once. I just really don’t want to live, ya know? But at the same time, I don’t have the energy or will to kill myself. So instead I sit trying to remind myself that its not worth it to self harm. Still having a lot of trouble trying to avoid that, which is just about as bad as the suicidal thoughts. What sucks more is the fact all I want to do is ask for help but I am too scared that someone will make me go to the hospital or something, so instead I simply choose not to talk to anyone. Instead I sit and let the entire world hurt me over and over, and I just keep hoping that I will continue to be strong enough not to break down and do something I will regret. Also, so the thing that I mentioned may or may not be self harm, is slowly leaning more towards it absolutely being self harm, which really isn’t good. Whats even worse is the fact I am too scared to talk about it, so instead the only little bit I talk about it is on here. So yeah.

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