Its amazing how you can feel like such a failure in the one thing everyone tells you that you’re good at. I’m told that i’m too hard on myself, and all I see is that i’m not nearly hard enough. I wish I could see myself from a different point of view, maybe things would be different. Truly, i’m lost in my own mind and I don’t know what to do. I disappoint myself on a daily basis and that’s the only thing I know how to do correctly. I realized something today, most people are driven by being proud. They want to be proud of themselves, others, or want someone to be proud of them. I on the other hand, am driven by fear. Fear of worthlessness, fear of failure, fear of disappointment. I don’t know how to be proud of myself, but I know how to be scared. For some reason, the past two weeks, life has just kind of hurt, haven’t really felt much happiness. Hopefully that will change again. I could use some positive in my life.
Today I was informed of my official CPTSD, GAD, and MDD diagnosis.