10/15/17

“You are not damaged, worthless, or not good enough. You are worthy of love, and you have a passion for music that could inspire so many people.” -Friday

“You are not damaged, worthless, or not good enough. You are worthy of happiness, and you have made so many people feel loved when they feel alone.” -Saturday

“You are not damaged, worthless, or not good enough. You are worthy OF self worth, you have fought for yourself when all the odds have been against you.” -Sunday

 

I’m stuck. There is a point where the only thing holding you back is yourself, and that is the point I have reached. Granted there are other challenges I face when it comes to this, but I am holding myself back more than these challenges. In my head I see my parents in two ways: “I am so aggravated with you and hurt because you abused me” and “You are both trying your best and just made some mistakes along the way”. This is where I start affecting my own ability to get better. Right now I am primarily seeing my parents as “You are trying your best and just made some mistakes along the way.” which is just masking the problem instead of actually facing it head on. I am protecting them for what they knew was wrong all while beating myself down for something I had no control over. I used to always blame them and somewhere along the way that all changed.

I look at myself in the mirror and think I see someone who is worthless, damaged, and never good enough. In reality, I see a girl who was told she was worthless so many times that she started to believe it, a girl who has realized how much was wrong growing up and see how it has not affected me as see that as I am damaged, and someone who was pushed and pushed until she broke and now believes she will never be good enough, even though there is not standard to be at. I know I am hard on myself, yet I feel as if I am not hard enough. I was conditioned to feel all of this, I was conditioned by those who abused me everyday for 15 years. Now I need to break the cycle that has been going on in my life and I admit, I’m scared.

I always dreamed growing up that someday I would feel “normal”. I dreamed of getting help and feeling better and loving life. I always thought it would be so easy to get better and life would be like nothing happened. Being in the situation I am now, I was incredibly wrong about any of this being “quick”. I’ve come to terms with this being a long process, but that doesn’t mean i’m not frustrated about it sometimes. This frustration isn’t directed at others, but directed at myself. I wish I pushed harder when I was younger and maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as they are now. Now that I am facing all of this, I am absolutely terrified. I want to get better and work through all of the events that happened, but I am still very scared. All I know is depression and anxiety, that is my comfort zone. Feeling better pushes me way out of that zone and I guess that’s why it is so scary to me. This is all new to me and I don’t know what to completely expect. All of the what-ifs worry me everyday.

When I go into a bad place emotionally, I tend to beat myself down farther. I don’t really do it consciously, but I don’t fight to get out of that bad place immediately either. Whenever I even start to go into that place, I quickly start to feel weak because its hard knowing that my brain automatically will think about suicide or see myself as a failure right when any little thing goes wrong. Its frustrating knowing I can’t just make those thoughts go away all together. It makes me feel like I have no control and am weak. But because of that, I am so focused on the fact that the thought started at all that I don’t even think about stopping it sometimes.

I just keep trying to remember that I am not worthless, and nothing is worthless. We all have our own individual impact on the world and that right there shows we are not worthless. I also just try to remember that there is no perfect, as much as I wish there was, there isn’t. If I strive to be perfect then no matter what I will never be good enough. Last but not least, I try to remember that I am not damaged. I have been treated awful sometimes and what has happened to me does affect me a lot, but that does not mean I am damaged. Being diagnosed with a mental illness does not make me any less of a person and does not mean I am damaged in the slightest. My goal is to always remember this and truly believe it with my whole heart.

 

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