“You are not damaged, worthless, or not good enough. You a worthy of a beautiful life, and you strive to make everyone happy even on your worst days.” -Monday
“You are not damaged, worthless, or not good enough. You are worthy of compassion, and you work so hard to be a good person and accomplish everything.” -Tuesday
Today was a rough day, and I know I let the bad feelings take control of me a bit. Today was Boss’ Day and so we have a large (there are ten of us) lunch to celebrate the Director of Financial Aid who also happens to be my role model. I was okay at first, but once we all sat at the table and started eating I froze, too terrified to eat. That was the moment I got a reminder that anxiety controls me a lot, and in this moment I wasn’t winning the battle. The battle that continuously goes on in my mind, one that never goes away, and I don’t think it ever will completely. I have to give myself some credit (thanks to a reminder I got from someone), I have come a long way. I remember the days when I couldn’t even eat a salad without being in tears, and now there are days when I don’t even think about it at all. There was a time when I would never have sat in the conference room with anyone and ate, but today I didn’t run away and stood up to one of my biggest fears. That is something to be proud of.
Last night I had somewhat planned that blog post so there was a few things I didn’t really get to say. My mom told me yesterday that I should give up music and it shattered my heart. She has always supported my passion for music and this is the first time she has said “Well maybe you should change your major to something more well rounded and go to MCC.”, and I don’t know how to even respond. Do I really need to give up music? Is this truly the end of my passion that I thought would last a life time? Music has always been there for me even when the world has been crashing down around me. The thought of giving it up hurts so badly but I know it might be the decision I have to make. I know right now I am drowning in my classes and if I can’t get through these, I won’t get through the rest. So whats next? Do I give up my dream of majoring in music education and switch to something else, or do I keep trying for something that I might never succeed at. I guess I have some decisions to make.