I’m constantly scared, obviously sometimes more than others, but it never fully goes away. Today I got scared because when a coworker came walking behind me and I didn’t see them so when I did I flinched a little, but within a few minutes that anxiety went right back down. Today is a normal day, getting startled somewhat easily and being worried that something bad is gonna happen to me when i’m not in a “safe zone” such as my work, but not beyond terrified I am going to suddenly go through the same things I did as child but with someone else. Yesterday was the complete opposite. Yesterday I woke up with anxiety and went through most of the day in panic mode. I wanted to understand so badly what was triggering this in me and I simply could not make sense of it, because there was no trigger to make sense of. I did what I do often, sit where my back is against something so I don’t have to worry about someone coming up from behind me, which limits the anxiety quite a bit. However what that doesn’t help is my fear of every single person that walks past me. The fear that they are going to hurt me, the thoughts that take over my brain, making it feel as if I am suffocating. It doesn’t shut off, and I feel as if I have no control of my own brain, which is even more terrifying than the actual thoughts. That was all I felt most of the day yesterday.
I know that realistically none of those things are going to happen to me again, yet the emotional side of my brain is convinced I am just a weak target and I have no chance against what is coming. I know realistically that mistakes are going to happen and my notes don’t have to be perfect, but the emotional side knows it needs to be perfect because its my best way to cope. I can’t be perfect at life so at least my notes can be perfect. I think I want to be perfect so badly because that’s what was always expected of me growing up, but also because I am so scared of disappointing those around me and the judgement that can come from messing up. I am scared of the voice in my head, my conscience, because it is her and that’s the voice that had complete control of me for so much of my life so far. Its the same voice I have been scared of for so much of my life and beats me up when I make a mistake. Its the same voice I hear when she screamed at me, hit me, and the same voice that molested me.
I was never allowed to use my voice growing up and at some point I think I had fear to use it when I could. I knew what would happen when I used it so it was easier to just stay quiet and try to protect myself. I felt as if there was no voice to even use after a while, and that’s why I never spoke up when the guy grabbed me in high school and I was frozen, terrified, as he touched me. I made the connection that speaking was going to lead to me being hurt. My only voice has been through typing, because nobody can hurt me, and I don’t see their reaction as they read it so I can’t see the judgment or disappointment. I only see my words on a page filled with pure emotion. I can pour my entire life and everything I feel onto a page and I feel as if I have a voice and that I am safe, and I am heard. I AM HEARD.
When I am typing I have a backspace. If I realize I am not ready to talk about what happened then I can take it back, and wait for the time when I think I am ready, and try again. When talking out loud, I loose that backspace. I can’t take it back, I have to accept what I said, and be okay with it. I have to find the words and put them all into the correct order to make sense and speak them the way I want spoken. Here I can think, feel, express everything I feel without worrying I will say it wrong or be judged because of saying it. I can be me here and I don’t feel like I can do that when trying to say it out loud. Here my words are felt by those who want to read this, and care, and understand. They choose to listen to the words I pour myself into. I don’t have that opportunity when I say this out loud, because truthfully, I don’t think many people genuinely choose or want to hear this. They won’t take anything away from the words I speak. Here I have a voice and I am not scared to use it. Here I have a place and I am heard.
Here I feel safe.