11/8/17

INFJ. The Myers Briggs personality test is something I have known since my freshman year of high school when we took the test in our English class, just as a fun activity. Right now i’m in Psychology 101 and I have honestly enjoyed this course more than the majority of my music courses I have taken here at Harper. One of the assignments for this course was to take the Big Five Project Personality Test. What somewhat surprised me was the results after the test. There are five main categories you get scored on: Open-Mindedness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Negative Emotionality. For each category you were told what percentile you were, and what that score meant.

  • For Open-Mindedness my score was 24. High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
  • For Conscientiousness, my score was 54. High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
  • For Extravesion, my score was 1. High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
  • For Agreeableness, my score was 35. High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
  • And last but not least, in Negative Emotionality, I scored 99. High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.

I got home that night and was looking at my results more and had my mom take the test. She scored almost the exact opposite of me, except in Agreeableness, where we got almost the exact same score. My mom then reminded me about the Myres Briggs Test so I decided to take it again. It said I am a INFJ. This test gives results in Mind, Energy, Nature, Tactics, and Identity.

  • Mind determines how we interact with our environment. I am 6% Extraverted  and 94% Introverted.
  • In Energy, this trait shows where we direct our mental energy. I am 55% Intuitive and 45% Observant.
  • In Nature, the trait that determines how we make decisions and cope with emotions, I scored 24% in Thinking and 76% in Feeling.
  • Tactics, the trait that reflects our approach to work, planning and decision-making.  I scored 65% in Judging and 35% in Prospecting.
  • As far as Identity, the trait that underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions, I scored 0% Assertive and 100% Turbulent.

I wasn’t surprised by these results, but my mom was ISTP. My mom kept researching about ISTP moms and INFJ daughters and the majority of what she read said it is not a great combination. When I searched ISTP, one of the things that came up said ” INFJs are the most susceptible to mental disorders like depression because they are so deeply emotional — either all in or all out.”. One writer said “As an INFJ myself, it’s hard. I’m in a constant battle with myself, and trying to explain the thoughts that either bring me trouble, or leave others terribly confused. This helps explain my depression, anxiety, and bipolar. It makes sense why I chose to become a writer, and how I see the world.” (Kelsie Doran). While I am not bipolar, I strongly relate to this statement.  The thoughts in my head constantly confuse me and the only way I can handle them and try to make sense with them on my own are to write.

My mom doesn’t believe or agree with anything mental health when it comes to me. She never has and truthfully I am not sure she ever will. I don’t know why I keep trying to make her understand, but for some reason last night I showed her these sections of the article I read, and her only response was “Well there you go. Now you actually know what to work on. “. I don’t know why I was so disappointed by this response but I so badly wanted something else. I don’t really know what answer I was looking for other than any response that wasn’t that. It made me silent, knowing once again, that she does not support this and it reminds me just how alone I am in this. I wish I had a big support system but I don’t and every time I think I have come to terms with this, something proves me wrong.

Music is the one of the only thinks I have done almost my entire life. My mom has supported me and told me that I am amazing sometimes and told me I am a failure at it other times. I never really know which it is going to be. The only thing she has stayed consistent about it wanting me to stay in music since “That is one of the few thing I am good at” according to my mom. She knows I used to write a lot but she doesn’t know I still write. She has now switched to wanting me to change my major since I am just not doing well enough in music. When I was deciding on what I wanted to major in during college, I was choosing between Music Education, Psychology, and Sociology. The main reason I didn’t do Sociology or Psychology was because everyone was pushing me in music, except my band director who wanted me to do what I wanted since he knew I would most likely do well at either one. I’ve had a lot of pressure to decide on what I am doing and at least for the spring semester, I am going to major in Sociology. As much as I am excited for this change, i’m scared of the pressure that my family is going to put on me. Everyone has always expected a lot from me and honestly I have let down most of my family over the past few years. I know that’s partly why I am so scared to disappoint them, because I have been doing it for a long time. That’s what scares me most about my dad eventually finding out i’m on med’s. I know he will be disappointed in me and that’s what bothers me most. I had a dream the other night, where my dad had found my med’s, screamed at me, and hit me. I admit, that is also one of my biggest fears, because I truly don’t know what I am going to do if that happens. I don’t care if my dad were to say that he doesn’t approve of me doing med’s and I need to get off of them, because I have been used to that response from my mom. But disappointment is a completely different level, one I don’t want to face.

 

2 thoughts on “11/8/17

  1. You know, I think one of the reasons you’re so hard on yourself, overthinking things and worrying constantly, is that your parents are so critical of you. We tend to introject certain aspects of our parents and reject others, (in the latter case we become as ‘unlike’ them as we can). I know exactly what it’s like to have a harshly judgemental mother as mine was incredibly hard on me emotionally. She’s even been known to react to the news I’d scored 98% on a test, topping my class, with, ‘Well, where’s the other 2 percent?’

    I know I’ve spent most of my life looking over my left shoulder, terrified of being a failure and a disappointment. Worried sick about what my parents would think of me…and they always came through with the ‘goods’, telling me in no uncertain terms just how much of a disappointment I am. That only changed in the last few years of their lives, when they, in effect, became the child. It was only then I saw their vulnerability for what it was and forgave them for oppressing me all this time.

    Please follow your own star. Perhaps one day you’ll be an inspiration to your own children as well as to other people in general. But you won’t do that by allowing yourself to be boxed in and belittled by the people who are supposed to love and encourage you. By all means, forgive them. But be who you are. Look inside yourself and discover what your true passion is – and then go for it for all your worth. If you don’t, in the end, you’ll disappoint yourself more than anyone else. And that’s going to be very difficult to live with – and will really feed your depression. Take your time. You’re young yet. Hugs.

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