11/27/17

It’s been a few weeks since I have really had the opportunity/energy to post anything, although I should have considering how well this helps. So my uncle got moved to a rehabilitation center much closer to home, but unfortunately he is still unable to move most of his left side. I guess i’m a pretty sucky niece considering I still haven’t gone to visit him. The worst part about it is that i’m not visiting him because of what happened with grandma. I honestly don’t think that I can walk into the center and not break down crying and I really don’t want to do that to myself. I know I need to just get over it and go see him but i’m just so scared. On top of that, my mom tends to not tell me anything that she knows is gonna make me upset, including medical issues with my dad. I don’t really question when there is talk about a doctors appointment since those are pretty frequent now, but this one just seemed a little bit different. Since me and my mom went to go get dinner without my dad, I asked about it and I was right, this isn’t just a normal doctors appointment. Evidently they are getting bone morrow and testing it for a bunch of things because his platelet count is consistently low. The thing is, they didn’t tell anyone what they are really looking for. Normally when they test bone morrow, its looking for Leukemia however we would have known already if that’s what was happening with my dad. I’m really scared that something major is going to be wrong, i’m really scared I am going to lose my dad before I even graduate college. I’m just really tired of medical issues, I just want it to all be over and have normal.

Besides all of the medical stuff, I also went to a seminar that definitely made me realize a lot and showed me where my breaking point is. I’m absolutely thankful for it (even though I cried on more than one occasion), because it finally made me realize that maybe i’m not as worthless as I think I am, maybe people actually care and i’m not just completely alone. While I still have suicidal thoughts, knowing i’m not completely worthless definitely helps me get through them. I guess that’s another thing I wish I just knew what was going to happen about, the suicidal thoughts. I can’t complain, they are a lot better than they were, and these I can actually manage without hurting myself, which I am very proud of. I guess I just wish I knew why when anything goes wrong, that’s the first thing to go to my mind. I know I can’t really control it other than correct myself when I think about it, but I just wish I knew why that’s the first thing that comes to my mind in the first place. Can I really just not own up to my own problems so much that I immediately think about suicide? I guess the same thing applies to the no eating thing, considering that’s another thing I usually think about right after any little thing happens. I know a fair amount of people that would be really frustrated with me if they knew how many meals I have skipped over the past couple weeks. One the plus side, I think for once I am actually letting myself have feelings instead of bottling them up considering how much I have cried in the past couple days. I guess that’s still better than just holding them inside. Maybe that’s the reason I have had so many people tell me that they see I have a lot of sadness inside, which I still don’t know how exactly they see that in me, although they’re not necessarily wrong.

I considered just having this post focused on one thing but that didn’t really happen, which is okay though. I have been fairly open about how I feel that everyone that cares about me leaves eventually, and on Thanksgiving someone reminded me of that. Someone I have been very close with, and someone I have been able to help support as much as she helps me. At some point she texted me saying happy Thanksgiving, and since I didn’t respond immediately, she got very upset and flipped out on me, and then blocked me. It definitely hurt when I realized she had blocked me on everything, all over a small argument we had a month ago. I texted her and asked why she did that and she basically said that if we can’t agree on everything then there is no point, and then saying that I was talking to a guy from our past and freaking out at me for that. If I actually did these things, I would be perfectly fine with her deciding she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. The thing is, I have not talked to that guy in months and don’t plan to talk to him ever again, and I wasn’t angry or upset about what happened, I just had too much going on to text every second. So that’s just another person that has entered my life just to leave all over again. Am I pushing people away? I just want things to be okay, and for some reason, that never happens. I guess considering everything that’s happened in my life, it’s not really surprising that I still think about suicide as much as I do…

*With all of this said: No, I am not going to do anything to harm myself. I’ve gotten through it my entire life, I can get through it now too.

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