The past few days there hasn’t been much going on other than what I talked about in my last post. There is one thing that I know I really wanted to talk about but was not quite ready to talk about yet. In my last post I mentioned the fact that I don’t/didn’t want to live to see my 20th birthday. It’s something I have never really actually admitted to anyone, and have just kind of ignored it until now.

I don’t know the reasoning behind why it was specifically my 20th birthday I didn’t want to live until, but it has always been that day. I always imagined turning 20, and then starting to get my life together and go from there. Eventually having a actual career and loving life. The only issue, I never imagine myself enjoying life. I have always seen life as starting a career to get money to live and do fun stuff, and then just go back to work to get more money. I just saw it as this endless cycle that I truly don’t want to be a part of. I honestly still don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t see life as having a purpose or truly making a difference in the world. Simply working everyday to get money to live and do some fun things, and then just doing it over and over again. It doesn’t sound as fun when I put it that was does it.

If you look at life through my eyes, would you want to live either?  It doesn’t exactly seem enjoyable. I’m not saying I am planning to end my life because of how I see the future, but I’m not saying I want to live either. I would apologize for being so negative but you’re still choosing to read this. I wish I wasn’t born, simply so I wouldn’t have to live to see this day. I would have never thought that my birthday would be one large trigger, yet it has been. The question is, what happens now?

On a positive note, I have gone three months without cutting and one month from any self harm! I never actually thought that would ever happen and I am so beyond thankful. I never thought I would feel safe opening up to anyone, let alone my entire blog. I haven’t gone this long without being actively suicidal in a very very long time and that is more than I could have ever asked for. I haven’t called myself worthless since Basic and I have been telling myself that I was worthless since I was a kid, so its amazing that I can finally see that I’m not. This year has definitely been hard but I never thought I would be this much better, ever. I am truly thankful for everyone that has helped support me this year, I don’t think I would have lived to see this day without you guys.

One thought on “12/13/17

  1. Good work on finding ways to not injure yourself more than you already are hurting.
    For a good portion of my life I felt as you do. Once when I said to Samuel that I wanted to die he said that was hard for him to hear. So from then on I said ‘I wish I’d never been born.’
    Hearing your words is very similar to so many others who survived such things in childhood and were expected to keep all that in. I became so far away from myself it made life feel futile.
    Sometimes I still feel that way.


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