12/13/17 pt 2

I want to run away from myself and start over, however that is not possible. I look in the mirror and see someone who is overweight, someone who is ugly in every way, someone who is nothing. I hate looking in the mirror every morning because I notice every single thing that is wrong with me. I went to high school with a girl who became a model, and she’s honestly pretty amazing at it. She liked a BMI chart on facebook and it showed up on my news feed. Someone who is 5’9″ and 178.4 lbs is overweight. That is what I see everyday in the mirror and it never goes away, no matter how many times people tell me I am beautiful and/or not near overweight. My mom talks about how fat she is and how me and her need to lose weight since my dad is so small compared to us (keep in mind my dad has stage four lung cancer) and brings up calories and will read them out loud even when I ask her not to. My entire family always critiques me and makes jokes about every single thing I do. They all do it jokingly and never mean to be hurtful, but to me it really hurts. Somehow i’m the exact opposite of my family. If I didn’t look exactly like my mom I would swear I was adopted. During the holidays when we are all together they point out how little or how much I eat, what I eat, how I eat. To them it is just jokes and being themselves, but I see it completely different. I see it as being told I am fat, that I am ugly, the I am screwed up, that I am nothing. I cope with not being able to self harm by not eating. I can cope with no self harm, and cope with being self conscious and hating myself on the outside. I know how ridiculous that sounds, and I don’t like that I see it that way because I know thats not right. When I was self harming I admitted that I wanted to do it, I wanted to cut and feel something. This is the same, I admit I want to lose weight like I did last time, I don’t want to eat anything, I miss that thigh gap I had. I don’t want to eat, I want absolutely nothing to do with food. I went 37 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 20 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 11 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 27 hours without eating, ate a actual meal. It’s easier not eating, it just makes everything simpler. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t want to live to 20.

2 thoughts on “12/13/17 pt 2

  1. I think not eating at all is a bad idea. How about looking into eating healthy, get all the info, become an expert and then you could even blog about your journey in that respect. It seems like you spend time and energy comparing yourself to others

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  2. Focusing on food is a way to avoid other things for me. Also my body. Focusing on taking care of myself by eating properly and exercising some each day are much better ways to show myself and my body kindness.
    Your family does seem to be intentionally hurtful. Tell them to fuck off.

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