Isn’t it a coincidence that when I stop typing I become suicidal, and when I am suicidal I then stop typing. Well, maybe thats not such a coincidence. My mood from one day to another changes so dramatically that I have no clue what to expect even tomorrow. I can’t help but wonder whats causing this to happen when it had stopped for quite a while. Could it be because I don’t have a set, detailed schedule like I am used to? Is it because while I am still taking my meds, I am not taking them at the exact same times I do during the school year?
Over the past week, I have been suicidal for at least four days, and depressed all but one day. I admit, I was somewhat scared knowing just how bad I wanted to at least self harm, and those thoughts leading farther and farther until reaching into suicide territory. Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to get through this without self harming again, or restricting as much as I possibly could. I can usually somehow see through everything and try to imagine a time where I can go without restricting, without self harming, without suicidal thoughts. Right now, I honestly can’t see that time.
Sometimes, while I am able to open up about what I feel, it is hard to be open about details. This is one of those times. I was raised with everything having a reward or punishment. More often than not, I received the punishment rather than the reward. At some point I got used to everything having a punishment or reward and started that same pattern with myself. This is what is very difficult for me to even type, let alone send it to others and post it. Something that I did very often in High School was self harming every time I ate when I told myself that I wouldn’t. Right now I have gone about 7 weeks since I have self harmed, which has been quite difficult for me to do, which makes me even more proud that I made it this far. While I have been able to go without self harming, in order to get myself through that I have taken my feelings out on food. Every time I eat, I feel as if I have to punish myself with self harm, which makes keeping myself very difficult. When I can’t self harm to take that pain out on myself, the next thought that comes to my head is suicide. If I can’t even successfully go as long as I want without eating, then why should I be able to even live. Its simply another thing that I manage to screw up.
I don’t know whats going to happen, and I think that is what scares me the most. I am rethinking how strong I actually am through this. What if I do slip up…what if I really, really slip up.