Well, this week has been a very interesting start to 2018. From starting the year playing pool while drunk with my best friend, to finding out my dad’s cancer might have spread, its already been an adventure. Looking back on 2017, its amazing to see how much changed in one year. I started 2017 majoring in Music Education and ended it majoring in Sociology. In February 2017 I found out my dad had Stage 4 Non Small Cell Lung cancer, and unfortunately we are coming into 2018 with the news that the cancer might have spread again. However, in 2017 I also finally decided to take care of myself and start therapy, which was one of my best decisions of the year. I started not knowing what I went through was abuse, feeling worthless, and being suicidal and self harming everyday. Starting 2018, I finally understand what actually happened when I was younger, for the first time in a very long time, I see myself as worthy, and while still suicidal every once in a while, I have not self harmed in seven weeks, which is something I didn’t think I would be able to do again. Even though 2018 has had a rough start, if 2017 improved that much, then 2018 is going to be a wonderful year.
With that said, the past couple weeks have been rough. Not self harming has been pretty hard, but I have been able to get through without it. However, what replaced the self harm was all of my depression and suicidal thoughts. Getting through all of that has been quite difficult, but I am doing my best. While I want to self harm, and there is a chance I may relapse at some point, I am glad that a small part of me wants to live and I am to scared to hurt others to ever attempt suicide. I’m not scared of death, but I am scared of dying. Those are two very different things, and the reasons I am still alive and fighting to live as much as I can. Plus some part of me actually wants to live and i’ve come to realize taking small steps is a lot easier than looking far in the future. So here is my goal, simply make it one more week so I would be eight weeks without self harm. That is something I know I can control and feel I could accomplish. There is no point in setting myself up for complete failure, so I might as well give myself a chance. Here’s to this year being even better than the last.