1/11/2018

This has been a wild two weeks to say the least. It started with being suicidal, and as depressed as I used to be. Easy to say, its been a rough two weeks emotionally. On the plus side, as of 1/8, I have been two months without self harm. Everyday that goes past it gets a little bit harder to ignore the urge to self harm, and every meal I eat, just makes it worse. All I hear in my head is the voice that tells me I am fat, I am not enough, I am a failure, and I don’t deserve to live and/or be okay. Its hard to resist self harm when every little mistake you make, especially when it comes to food, makes the voice in your head tell you that you deserve to be punished. What can make is worse is not being able to tell anyone what you are feeling in the moment because you are too scared of what might happen if you do.

Truthfully, we never really know what is going to happen next. I know I never really gave a new update on my dad, but I was still trying to learn how to cope with it myself. His CT and PET scan showed that the tumor in his lung grew from 3.2 to 3.7. and he lost more weight, putting him at 158. The doctors expected this to possibly happen and have now decided to start a much more intense form of treatment starting 1/15. Nobody, including the doctors, are sure that my dad will be able to handle the new treatment, but all we can do is try.

All anyone can do in life is try their best and let fate decide what to do. I like to be in control of every single detail of everything, and in reality, I will never be able to control even a quarter of what I would like to. I definitely can’t control other peoples actions, and sometimes thats what I wish I could control most. I work with a guy named Hayden, the same guy who had made a post on my page a few months ago. Heres the thing about Hayden, he’s rich. Not that I have anything against people who are fortunate enough to have money, but I do have a problem when people get greedy with their money. The college reopened on January 2nd. That was the last day Hayden came to work. He works 15 hours a week, been gone for two weeks, and only worked five hours. I do not respect people who lie, and I never have. When people lie to me multiple times, then I do not want you in my life. Hayden lied to me about multiple things, and then decided to text me and call me a bitch, and text me “why is it such a big deal if i’m not there for a couple days? like honestly. you act like this job surrounds all of our lives i have a lot of things to worry about then a school job. my throat is in so much pain and it’s so obnoxious. i don’t want to go to work to deal with more drama bullshit and other shit just to be annoyed more. all i’m doing is taking a couple days off. i’m coming back tuesday and not taking as many  days off again so i don’t get why it’s so important if i’m there or not. you just need to stop being so rude and mind your business bc i’m tired of one getting bombed from you with your attitude when i’m not doing anything wrong to you and two you being so bothered that i’m missing a couple days of a little school job that all we do there is bitch work. i’m coming back tuesdayso please calm tf down.”. If I ignore everything that he has said to me and the way he has treated me, the reason I am so beyond frustrated with his is because he does not need this job. He takes this job for granted and stopped caring a long time ago. He is taking a position away from a student who can’t go to harper without a job on campus. He’s taking a job from a student that is in the same position that I was when I first came to Harper. I will teach you because you care, but once you stop caring, so will I.

On a completely different note, Rebecca was home for a couple weeks and I spent most of that time with her. She left this past Wednesday, but before she left I wanted to come out to her. So on Sunday night, me and Rebecca went to Dairy Queen. I know it would be completely empty, so that was the easiest place to tell her. We both got ice cream and then I told her. I was so glad I did, and she had absolutely no problem with it. She was glad I told her so we could talk about who we like together now haha. I told her mom that night too, who was also just as happy and accepting. What I wasn’t prepared for was Tuesday. My cousin Jamie was over, and it was nice to just be able to talk to her, considering she has know the longest. Me and Jamie were just talking in the living room, but what we didn’t know was the my mom was hiding behind the corner, listening to some of what we said. After Jamie left, my mom texted me and asked me to tell her what was going on. She wouldn’t drop the conversation, and finally I told her. She didn’t respond as well as Rebecca and her mom did, but at least she wasn’t mad at me. The next night, she told me “You know, if you somehow end up dating a guy, don’t think you are attached to a title, you can just say you are straight again.”. Her saying this made me upset to be honest. But what made me even more upset was that I told her I would tell dad this weekend, but instead she decided to tell him herself. The next morning when I found out, I was really mad at my mom, and she didn’t understand why that made me upset, until she got in the car on her way to work and it occurred to her. I feel bad that I got so upset at her, because she said she cried on her way to work because she felt bad. Those are the moments when I recognize that even though I hide my anger very well and try to always avoid feeling it, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I guess I can’t keep trying to hide everything, because no matter what it will show itself eventually, whether I like it or not.

 

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