The truth 1/16/18

The past couple months I have been getting pretty aggravated with my dad. Although   I never really liked my mom more than my dad, the more my father treats my mom like she’s a failure, the more I wish I could tell him how I actually feel. I will never be able to do that though, which kinda sucks. Everyday I notice my dad acting like my grandma even more, which just makes me wish I could yell at him more. Part of me wants to just be kind to my dad and pretend that everything is fine, but the other part of me can’t get over the fact that I wish I could tell him everything he has done to frustrate me my entire life.

“Dear Dad,

I wish I could simply say “I love you” and pretend that nothing ever happened between us. I wish I could look at you and see a wonderful, loving father figure that has never done anything to make me cry myself to sleep. I wish I could say that you mean more than the world to me. I wish I could say everything I just listed was true, but that would be a completely lie. The truth is, you made me feel like I was a worthless child that meant absolutely nothing in this big world. You made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live because I couldn’t make grandma happy. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did to me growing up but if I do, that does not mean that what you did was okay. I don’t forgive you for the first time I tried to really tell you what grandma did to me, and you just yelling at me that I was lying. I don’t forgive you for every single time you told me I needed to “be better” because the rest of the family were screw ups. I don’t forgive you for leaving me with grandma when you knew that she was screaming at me, swearing at me, and hitting me. I don’t forgive you for never helping me, for not seeing everything that led to me attempting suicide as a fifth grader. I hate remembering all the times when you were a good dad because it reminds me what you have turned into. You used to take me to all the swap meets with you and would buy me a sign from each one to hang on my wall. I loved doing that with you all summer, it was something I always looked forward to. I loved doing the paper route every Sunday with you and grandma, even though I usually fell asleep 30 minutes into the actual route. I loved spending quality time with you, the times when you didn’t yell at me, didn’t make me feel worthless. I miss that you. I want that dad back, I want the loving father that is deep inside you back. Why did you turn into someone who makes me feel like a disappointment. I don’t want to lose you and have the last months with you consist of you making me feel like a disappointment, you treating mom like a failure, and us feeling like we have already lost you in a way. I love you even when I hate you.”

I’ll be honest that there are a lot of things that I want to scream at my dad, but that’s something I will never do….again. I did it a lot when I was younger, to both my dad and my grandma. Well, and to my mom too. I was being raised by wolves and I started to be one myself. It wasn’t til my freshman year of high school that I started to understand that things were wrong, but not until my sophomore year that I fought for myself. I never thought I would end up here. Is it wrong for me to be mad at my dad for acting like a jerk (totally not the word I wanted to use)? Where is the line between getting mad at him for being jerk, and having to let it go because he has cancer? Am I being a bad person for being so mad at my dad and the world?

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