“Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”
When translated, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”. As I see things fall down around me and/or remember the times I watched everything go wrong and was powerless, I think to god to help me. Over the past few weeks however, I have started to wonder where god has gone, and if he is there to support me anymore. Everyone I talk to say that god does not punish us for what we have done wrong, yet I still feel that he’s doing exactly that. If god is not supposed to give us more than we can handle, then why did he give me all of this? Maybe I can’t handle this, so why did he give me this. I strongly believe that god has a set plan for all of us and that everything happens for a reason. If this is the case, then what is the reason for this? For my father to have cancer, for me to have gone through years of abuse when all I could do was take it. Is there truly a reason for all of that?
I want to trust god to take care of me and be there when I need him most, but considering I am doubting my beliefs now, how am I supposed to trust him when I need him the most. Everything is easier when we have exact reasons for everything that happens, but we can’t always have that. I keep trying to see that god doesn’t punish us for our wrong’s, but while I can see that in everyone else, I still feel like that’s what he is doing to me. I’m starting to feel truly alone, with not even god supporting me.
I always wish there was a reason all of this happened to me, a reason more than that my family knew what they were doing and just kept doing it anyway. I remember very clearly some of the times I was being sexually abused, many of the times things were physical, and way too many of the times it was emotional. I hate remembering those times and know that there might not be a actual reason I went through it other than some people have bad childhoods. I will never know if there is actually a reason for what happened no matter how many times I remember it all, no matter how many times I stay up at night praying. The only way I cope with not having a reason is telling myself that having gone through this will make me a great social worker someday and maybe I will be able to help those that went through the same pain I had to.
On a different note, I have always encountered people who didn’t believe in mental health, but I guess it was just never something I really encountered from someone I didn’t know. Today however, someone really offended me when telling me that my anxiety and depression was “just made up stuff that there shouldn’t be meds for.” and she continued to say “I don’t believe in all that, all you need is to calm down, and just do some acupuncture.” It felt like she was completely invalidating my feelings and what I was even there for. She told me to just use a heating pad…… as if I wasn’t already doing this every day and night…. AND STILL FEELING PAIN. I was honestly just very annoyed with my experience there as a whole. What made it even worse was that was just the RN. That wasn’t even the actual person who would do anything! When that person came in, she asked the general questions and said either I have to do the exam today because its a waste of time to wait according to her, or to take Motrin and see this helps. As if I don’t already do all of these things. Which I informed her of. Lets just say that I am never doing anything through health services at the college again. My first two times there were great but I’m done after this experience.
Once again, on a completely different note, there are a few memories that I keep thinking about and I don’t really know why they keep coming up. I don’t notice anything in particular that could be triggering them so its weird that they keep coming up like this. The first memory I really keep thinking about is the first time that I attempted suicide, and it hurts remembering every single detail of what happened. The second memory or I guess topic that keep thinking about is the sexual abuse. I admit this still bothers me a lot but I am scared to actually say what happened. If I don’t talk about it I guess then I can keep denying it happened. If I don’t get triggered to remember more, then maybe it didn’t happen. I know its probably wrong to think about it this way but no matter how hard I try to understand just got bad things are, I go numb and everything feels fake.
As of January 29th, I have gone two months and three weeks without self harm, and the urge to self harm is finally starting to go down a bit. I know there will probably be times when the urge to do it gets just as high as it was before, but even having two days in a row where I don’t have the urge to do it is amazing. I have had a lot of ups a downs the past couple weeks with my own emotions, and my dad. I know I never updated on my dad and I guess I was just so stressed that I forgot everything I even wanted to say in the process of typing these. He was in the hospital for about a week and is finally back home. It is definitely going to be a very rough journey from here on but we will do it the best we can. The one thing that really honestly helped me feel so much better was seeing some of the people I was at the seminar with back in November. It gave me a reminder to that I am cared about, that I am not alone. It gave me a big reminder to hold onto hope, a reminder I definitely needed.