Normally going into this I have a idea or topic I want to talk about, but this is not one of those times. Honestly, I have no clue what I feel and what words to say other than knowing typing it out always helps. I guess I’ll start off with the fact I really let myself down last night. I was so looking forward to hitting the three month mark on Monday, and I didn’t, and I’m not going to. Those of you who frequently read these post’s probably have a good idea of what I am talking about right now, and most of your idea’s are probably right. Don’t get me wrong and think that I suddenly just decided I didn’t care anymore. I cried in the car my entire hour drive home, walked inside and got nagged at by my mom, felt like a disappointment, and there was only so much I was able to handle. Once my parents fell asleep and I was sitting alone, depression hit real quick and while I had a little hope I would make it through the night, I knew there was a big chance tonight was gonna be hard. I made it to 10pm which was a lot longer than I thought I would make it to. When you feel something then you have something to fight against, but what about when you go completely numb. Everything feeling fake, nothing real, like you are gone and all is left is your body to choose whether or not you make it through the night safely. My body chose wrong, but I didn’t think about that clearly until after I had already started.
I have gone about 12 hours without self harm.
I wish I could say I did one cut and nothing else, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. With that said, cutting wasn’t the only thing I did and that’s was disappoints me even more. It sucks. I can’t really think of any other words to describe what it feels like to be so disappointed in yourself that you feel empty. I know tonight will be as rough as the last and I will have to fight against my own brain to keep myself safe. I know things will get easier and hopefully this next time I can double the time and make it to six months, but I know tonight will not be that night. Life is a never ending work in progress. Even though I slipped up, I also know I am strong enough to get through life, and it will be so so worth it. There are times where I can see life clearly if that makes sense, and understand that living is so worth it, that life doesn’t just suck. There are still times though that I think about the future and can’t see a way that the positives out weigh the negatives and I wish that I wasn’t here, not dead, just…. not here. This is another feeling that I truly just don’t know how to express and put into words. It’s kind of the same thing with the way I overthink when around people or make a mistake. Sometimes I won’t overthink it and I can just focus on myself and what I am doing, and block the rest of the world out. But just like before, there are a lot of times that I can’t seem to block the rest of the world out and its like the entire world is somehow focused on me even though I know that nobody cares what I am doing. I am just another person that they pass and will never think about again. I still sit here and overthink every detail though, all the way to the point I can’t even focus on the thing I was trying to do in the first place and I leave the situation all together. Every time I leave, I feel as if I leave a little bit of myself behind though. Every time that I get the feeling of sheer anxiety in my chest growing until I feel like I am suffocating but nobody around me can see, I feel like I leave a little bit of myself or my hope behind. Luckily every time something good happens and all the times I get through a situation without overthinking, that piece of myself and hope comes back.
My mom asked me the one morning, “Cass, you are being kind of snippy…. *wispering* did you take your meds?” I sat there extremely offended but decided to be smart and keep my mouth shut. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, something I was taught at a young age. I wanted to give her a entire speech on how I am not just what I am diagnosed with. That is not who I am, I am a person and do not treat me as if I am different suddenly just because you know I go to therapy and take meds. Yes, if I don’t take my meds for a day I can tell and by the end of the day I feel like poop, but that is for me to know and nobody else unless I tell you, so keep your opinion to yourself.
I won’t lie and say that everyday I am completely fine with the fact I struggle with mental health and that my childhood was terrible. Some days I am so beyond frustrated with the fact that I have to take a pill so that my mind calms down; That I have to be on meds so that I am not so depressed that I want to die every single second of the day and so that my anxiety doesn’t keep me feeling like I have no where safe to go. Some days I get so frustrated and upset that my own family hit me and screamed at me, and took my damn childhood away from me and they didn’t even see anything wrong with what they were doing. Some days I get into my car and I am so beyond mad at the world that all I can do is punch the steering wheel and have a tempter tantrum in my car like a five year old, all while crying so hard that I can’t even breathe. And some day’s I question what I believe and suddenly I am so lost that I forget if I even have a purpose in this world. Some day’s, life straight up sucks and there are not any other words to describe how it feel. But all I can do is take life one day at a time, heck, even a hour at a time. I am strong, and I know that I can get through this.