2/12/18

I had started typing a post about my feelings towards my dad but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say. I don’t know if its because its such a sensitive topic for me or because there is still some part of me that wants nothing more than to deny that any of this happened or is happening. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning and see how far I can get this time.

When I was younger I was a daddy girl. I didn’t really want anything to do with my mom until I was older. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved my mom and the times when I felt safe and loved by her. The times when we would curl up on the couch, watch a movie, and end up falling asleep in her arms meant the world to me. Majority of the time though, that wasn’t the case. Usually she would get home and the only words she would say to me were “hi bean” and “goodnight sweetheart”. Its not that my mom didn’t care, but she worked all day everyday and didn’t have time for a kid. She wanted someone she could live her dream life through, and I couldn’t do that for her.

My dad was some someone who loved spending time with me, no matter how tired he was,  and even when he didn’t have the time. I loved spending time with him and I did every second I had the chance. The only issue was that my dad had a temper. If I did anything wrong, especially when it involved my grandma, he made sure I knew I did wrong. For every good memory I have, I have one that involved a hit, yelling, or both. That still bothers me a lot.

I can remember some of the memories so clear I can think about it and its like I am there again, and I wish I couldn’t remember them at all. I was around ten when I had started crying every night. I didn’t even know why I was crying sometimes, it would just kinda happen. More days than not I had cried myself to sleep, and I remember how hard I always tried to stay silent because I wasn’t allowed to close my door. I was so scared that my parents would find out, because any other time I cried and they knew they would make fun of me or yell at me, unless it was caused by getting hurt bad physically. Even now I’m scared to cry in front of anyone because of that.

The older I got the more I started to get frustrated with how he treated me, and the more I wished I could yell back at him. When my uncle passed away my relationship with my dad changed a lot and when my grandma passed away it changed even more. I didn’t think it was possible to change any more than it already had, then he got diagnosed with cancer and it did… quickly.

The treatment has been really hard on him as well as me and my mom. The longer he has been doing treatment the worse his health has got. The treatment is basically killing him as quick as the cancer is right now. I don’t know how much longer they are going to be able to continue treatment. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared of whats happening. I really don’t want to lose my dad, even though I know its coming much sooner than I want either way.

It’s a lot harder dealing with this after going through all of it with grandma. If I didn’t know everything that’s gonna happen maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. He’s so sick at this point its not even like he’s the same dad I grew up with. He’s not even the same dad I had when he first started treatment. Its been really hard watching this happen, and knowing even this time I am powerless especially. No matter what I do I will never get the dad I grew up with back, and knowing that sucks more than words can describe. Until about a month ago at least some part of me was holding out hope that things would get better. That hope is gone, and I hate saying that but I know that things aren’t going to get better. My dad won’t see me graduate from college and won’t be there on my wedding day. This all just really hurts.

I wish that the memories we were making at this point were good ones, but they aren’t in the slightest. My dad is being a complete jerk, there is no other way to put it. Almost everyday he does something that makes me feel beyond frustrated at him and then I feel like the worst daughter ever for being super angry at my dad who has cancer. I hate that the second I do anything wrong he snaps at me with either disappointment or anger. I am trying the best I can and for once I want my best to be good enough. I wouldn’t feel as awful as I do if he wasn’t so sick, but the fact that I am so beyond frustrated with him even when he’s sick just makes me feel like a terrible daughter.

I always try to end these things with something positive but I literally can’t even think of something to put that would make anything better. I spent this entire night crying because of both the good and bad memories I have with my dad. This all just hurts more than I can even express and no matter how many times I try to type this out, I can’t find the words.

 

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