2/19/18

The past couple days have been really hard, and even though I know it will all get so much better, it still sucks feeling like….. nothing. I was really proud of myself when I gave up almost all of my blades. That was something I never thought I would actually push myself to do and I was very very anxious after, broke down crying twice, but was still so proud of myself. There was only one other blade left in the kitchen and I thought I would be strong enough to resist how bad I wanted it, and I was for about a week. I cut last night, and honestly, if the blade was sharp, I would have kept doing it. I hate admitting that, because nobody wants to admit that they want nothing more than to cut themselves, but if I don’t own up to it, I’ll never get through it. It’s hard knowing that every time I self harm, I question why I even stopped in the first place. “Why can’t I just keep doing this, it helps? What’s so wrong with this? I’m not suicidal so it isn’t that big of a deal anyways.” This plays in my head on a continuous cycle that I can’t seem to slow down until I hit rock bottom.Where I feel nothing to the point I can’t even bring myself to get off the floor, the point depression takes over. It hurts, feeling nothing. Its a indescribable feeling when you are in so much pain physically and mentally but you can’t express any of it. I know right now i’m at the point where I just really wish I could cut again but, I know this is going to lead into suicidal thoughts. I’m not even scared I am going to commit suicide, because I know I never will, but thinking about suicide just straight up sucks. I hate that my solution to everything is to find a way out, whether its via self harm, suicide, or just running away from my entire life. Why can’t I just own up to life and deal with my problems instead of thinking of every possible way to escape.

On Wednesday, the advanced seminar starts, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I am such a detail oriented person and with this I have pretty much no details. Also, considering I just self harmed yesterday, I know I will be thinking about it during the seminar. I know I will be safe during it at least. I know this sounds dumb but I’m kinda scared I’m gonna cry.

When I would cry when I was younger my grandma would always scream at me more and call me a cry-baby and a worthless child and to just suck it up. My solution was to just hide whenever I cried. That’s why I always do my best to just shut down my feelings, if I don’t express them then maybe sometimes they don’t exist, which I know is complete BS. It’s not so much that I don’t want to feel, its more that I shut down, a lot…. and I’m not always aware I’ve done it.

As I’m typing this right now I’m breaking into pieces, and not even because something hurt me. I’m breaking down because right now all I want is to escape from life, in the form of self harm. I so badly just want that release and I can’t and excuse my language, but it really fuckin sucks right now.

Even though I feel like a pile of worthlessness right now, i’m sitting here writing this, because no matter what words I say, it will still be better than what I could be doing to myself. I am choosing to take care of myself even when I could be doing the thing I keep thinking about. I am proud of myself for choosing to type this, I am proud of myself for choosing to love myself.

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