3/5/18

I know I haven’t posted in a while, mainly because I just haven’t really wanted to put the effort into actually feeling all of my emotions. The consequence, being suicidal. I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming, because it happens almost every time I decide I don’t feel up to typing. Its especially worse when I am trying not to self harm after I did sometime in the last two weeks. That’s probably due partly to the fact that my way of dealing with being suicidal is to self harm, so when I can’t, I simply don’t deal with them. Obviously, that doesn’t work out to well for me. The past month has been really hard. First I relapsed after no self harm for almost three months, then went about a week before self harming again, went two days and did again, and it only went downhill from there. Of all the different forms of self harm I have done, all I have talked about at some point except for one, I prefer cutting the most. Probably because that was the first one I ever did, thus the one I have done the longest. I gave my therapist all of my blades, and it is honestly one of the hardest things I have done. Normally when I am trying to go without self harm, I at least have the comfort of knowing that I have my blades if I really need them, but I don’t have them at all now. I hate saying this but there is a part of me that has absolutely no desire to stop and wants to ask for at least one back, but I am 99% confident the answer will be no. The logical part of me knows that’s the right thing to say though, because no matter how much I want them back, I know that if I have them I won’t go easy on myself and someday I will end up doing more damage than a few weeks can fix on its own. Last night I ended up wanting to self harm a lot, and ended up being suicidal. On a scale of 1-10, I was about a 8 for self harm and reached a 5 for suicide. On the self harm side, honestly if I had any blades I would have done it without a doubt. I considered doing other stuff but all I really wanted was to cut. On the suicidal side, I admit I scared myself and ended up texting two people who stayed up with me all night. There was a part of me that really wanted to attempt, but luckily the logical part of me knew better than to do that. Most of the time the logical side will keep me safe, but if it reaches to a 5, I want at least someone to know to make sure that logical side continues to keep me safe. Here is the issue though, when I am suicidal, I trust even less than I normally do. My biggest fear is having to go to the hospital, and I will do just about anything to avoid it, even if it means telling no one. It’s not that I think everyone is going to end up making me go to the hospital, but I know how bad my suicidal thoughts can get, and I know that someone who doesn’t know me 100% won’t take a chance of me attempting. Even the few people that know me 100% I won’t trust, mainly because they understand my brain better than even I do, so they know how quick things can change. I’d like to say that I will never attempt again, and I hope that I never do. I am strong, and I know the logical side of me will fight the emotional side to the very end. However, my biggest fear is that someday I will lose hope and won’t want to fight, and the people I know and need, won’t be there. Luckily I know that as long as I have someone who is at least texting me, I will be able to keep myself safe at least on the suicide side. As far as self harm, all bets are off once I reach a 8 or 9. At that point I make no promises not to self harm, but I will still try my best to keep the promises I have already made. This isn’t exactly a organized way of saying this but I wish my brain would get its shit together at least on the chemical side.

Someone asked me last week how I love my grandma after all that she did for me. While this makes perfect sense to me, unless you have been in the same situation it won’t make sense to you. When I lost my grandma I was broken inside and didn’t know how to live. While a small piece of me was relieved that I was finally safe, all I knew in life was being screamed at and hit, and I had no clue how to live without that. It was a part of who I was and suddenly having that taken away from me was like having a dog your entire life and suddenly the dog dying. The lose takes a piece of you with it. While I am so thankful that I am not still going through that everyday, somedays a tiny piece of me still misses it because it was all I knew for a big chunk of my life. The thing that really sucks is that even though nobody is punishing me for every single thing I do now, I am doing it to myself. I don’t understand why I can’t just stop doing this to myself, why I can’t just get over it all. I know that isn’t exactly how this all works, but doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I wish I could go back in time and save the little girl that hated school but hated going home even more, the little girl that has never been even slightly bothered by being called a bi**h because she grew up being called it every single day. I wish I could have the same compassion on myself now as I do for me when I was a kid who didn’t understand what I was doing wrong when I wasn’t doing anything wrong in the first place. I wish I could understand everything that happened to me without feeling like I see it through filter of numbness. I wish I could see my past like everyone else does, and see what everyone else sees in me.

No matter what happens to me I know that I am really fucking strong and I will never stop fighting for what I believe in. My name is Cassidy Elizabeth. I am a GORGEOUS, TRUSTING, CONFIDENT, and WORTHY woman. Hear me roar.

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