Two post’s in one week, that hasn’t happened in quite a while. This way, as you can tell from my last post, has been somewhat rough. Early this week I considered suicide, and I know it wasn’t me thinking clearly. I guess that’s the part that is the hardest to deal with when going through all of this, I am constantly fighting my depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. I am NOT my depression, anxiety, or CPTSD, but that does not mean that they aren’t there.
I see it like this, there are four people: Yourself, Depression, Anxiety, and CPTSD. We are all separate. Now, imagine that you are standing in a huge room filled with people sitting, but you standing in the middle with Depression, Anxiety, and CPTSD standing all around you. You are doing nothing wrong, but suddenly Depression, Anxiety, and CPTSD start screaming at you on the top of their lungs, so loud that you can’t even hear yourself think while everyone else is talking loud and acting like nothing is wrong.
Depression is screaming “You are worthless, pathetic, nothing. Why are you even still hear, why don’t you just kill yourself because you are worth nothing anyway.”
Anxiety is screaming “Oh my god we are gonna die you need to run this is a emergency I don’t know what is wrong right now but something will be wrong and what if they see you what will they think oh my god oh my god run!!!!”
CPTSD is screaming “Remember that time you were sexually abused, what about that time your dad threatened you, or that time your parents made you stand in the living room in bra and underwear and checked your body for cuts and still called your feelings invalid. Don’t forget those, but just in case I will remind you every ten minutes.”
No matter where you go, Depression, Anxiety, and CPTSD are with you, surrounding you. That is what it feels like for me all day everyday. Its like these three people are in your head screaming at you and never stop, all while you are trying to make them stay quiet so you can be “okay”. The worst part is that nobody else knows what is going on in your head other than the few people you have told that have been through it themselves. It’s a fight I go through everyday and never know how hard the fight may the next day. Lastly, imagine going through this every single day since you were a child. Sometimes you just need a day to take a breather and rest, but you don’t get that chance with this. You just have to remain strong and tell yourself that someday things will be better, even though there is always a piece of you that doesn’t know that for sure.
To those of you that read this and know exactly what I am talking about, I am so sorry you go through this. Nobody deserves to know what any of the feelings I post on here feel like, and if you ever think about giving up, remember that you are not alone and while you might now see a good future now, someday you will and you will be so happy you kept fighting. I love you and I will always support you because you are a beautiful person who deserves the world. You are so strong, never forget that.