3/26/18

Why should I live past 20? Life. There is no better answer than that.. I should continue to live past 20 because in less than a week I will be one month with no self harm. I should continue to live past 20 because in a week I will get to meet my newborn cousin, Wyatt. I should continue to live past 20 because in one year I will have my associates degree. I should continue to live past 20 because someday I will have my degree in social work. I should continue to live past 20 because someday I will have my own house. Someday I will look in the mirror and see someone I love. Someday I will see what everyone else sees in me. Someday I will feel like I am more than my depression. Someday I will feel like I am more than my anxiety. Someday I will feel like ME. I will love ME. Best of all, I will want to be alive.

I should keep pushing through what hurts because someday it will be so worth it. There is so much good in the world and even though I only see tiny bits of it, I know it is there. Having hope is so hard but I know that things can get better. They have gotten better. A year ago I was failing all of my classes, having at least one anxiety attack a day, crying in the bathroom at the college, and so scared of the world that I couldn’t even walk to class or be productive at work. A year ago I didn’t understand what was going on in my head and thought everything that went on growing up was my fault. A year ago I didn’t trust anyone completely. While I still don’t trust easily and rarely trust completely, there are a few people that I trust fully and I never thought that would happen. I never thought that someone wouldn’t hurt me the second I showed vulnerability.

I should keep fighting and living everyday because things get better and there is hope. There is so much good in the world. I’m not alone and there are people that care and love me and see so much worth in me and someday I will get to see that in myself.

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