4/11/18

“Was this self harm or a suicide attempt?”

How are you supposed to answer that question when you don’t even know yourself. What about when you tell everyone it was self harm because that is what you always say…. but maybe it wasn’t. What was actually going through your head as you sat there staring at the pills in your hand wishing you could take more? Were you truly hoping you would be okay, or was that your automatic response because you are too scared to show people that you truly arn’t okay? What then? I told you guys what happened this past weekend and typing that out was really hard for me, because I truly didn’t know if it was just self harm or if that actually could be considered a suicide attempt. I wasn’t ready to even consider accepting the thoughts that were going through my head at that time. I always see everything in black and white but this is different. This I keep trying to see in black and white and I feel like it falls into a grey area that I have no way of understanding. How do you even know what to ask to get help when you don’t even understand what the topic is.

Sitting there staring at the pills I was texting two people, however I didn’t tell them what I was doing in that moment. I told them ten minutes later when I realized I had no control over anything that would happen from that point on in my body. I knew it wasn’t a overdose, and truthfully that entire night I wanted so badly to take all of the pills I had, but I didn’t. I knew what would happen if I took all of them, but I didn’t know what would happen taking a certain amount. Is this too little? Is this too much? I was scared because there was so much that I didn’t know, and those two people I was talking to knew I was scared. The difference, one asked me if this was a suicide attempt and the other automatically assumed it was self harm. One questioned me when I quickly said it was self harm because she knew it could quite possibly be complete BS. The other was too focused on what was going on in my body physically to ask what was happening mentally.

I am suicidal, but that doesn’t mean I will for sure act on it, but it means I’ve considered. I have stood in the mirror and wondered if this was the last night that I would live or if I would get up tomorrow morning and go through the same routine I do everyday. Im strong, but do not underestimate the weak part of me. I know my depression is not me clearly thinking, but I listen to it, and some days it is more convincing than I admit to others. This is not a suicide note saying that I am giving up this week and I see no hope, this is a note asking that you see more than the words I say, because I will get hurt by protecting myself from others, and nobody will truly know what happened. This is a note saying I need you but I will never say it because that means I have given up a tiny piece of control that I am holding onto. I know some of you who read this blog and others of you I don’t know but wish I could. Understand me when I say this because this is the truth, I do not need to go to the hospital, I will not go into any program no matter how many messages you send me, but I need your help to keep me safe and I trust you to do that. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck if you only send me one text a day asking “How are you feeling”, but those of you who know me in person and have the privilege to read this, I need you, don’t make me invisible. That one text a day may mean a lot more than you think it does.

Im scared of hitting publish because I don’t know how some of you will react when reading this, and i’m not sure I am ready to actually know your reaction to it. Please be gentle.

 

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6 thoughts on “4/11/18

  1. Sometimes suicidal thoughts are going to stick around for a while, and all you can do is figure out how to manage them to keep them from getting overwhelming. Sounds like you’re working on that. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, so I see both a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist, both of which are amazing at their job. They have both wanted me in PHP or IOP since I started seeing them about a year and a half ago however I don’t have much medical coverage for mental health so it would be a large financial burden on my family as we also have many many bills for my dad’s cancer treatment. Right now I am working with my insurance and seeing what they would consider covering. My therapist and psychiatrist both want me in PHP at this point in time so they are helping me figure out what I can do. My therapist also reads this blog every time I post so she knows what’s going on.

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      1. I’m afraid I may not know all the specifics in your life. Thank you for letting me know you have such qualified support. That is a relief. I am sorry you are dealing with such dark feelings and hope relief is soon to come.

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