I haven’t typed anything in a while, I guess thats because I haven’t been ready to actually face my feelings. Truly, I still don’t know if I am actually ready to but sometimes your biggest fear is the best thing for you, and this is one of those cases. I am still in PHP and it has been one of the roughest periods I have gone through in life and there are many days I don’t know if I will actually make it through. I just feel like I am in a constant fight with my own brain and while I have people who say they are here to support me, I still feel like I am completely alone. How do I justify feeling like I am completely alone when so many people want to support me. Maybe because nobody truly understands exactly what is going through my head. I am kind of just like a lost puppy that was left alone in a box on the street, with people constantly walking past me and petting me and on the rare occasion being taken home, but never kept for long. I just become a bother to whoever takes me home, and I just get returned back to the box I originally started in.
Everyone tells me that i’m not a bother, but the issue is that even if I was, most people wouldn’t tell me. I always grew up and would go to a friends house and my mom would always say “don’t out stay your welcome”, and that has always been in the back of my head with everything I do. I guess mixing that with anxiety and constant overthinking doesn’t go very will. Honestly it hurts because I never feel like I am truly loved or cared about, as if I am staring at the other person through a fence. We can talk but they can never come to my side and see my world completely, only what they see through the fence. I feel trapped. I can’t trust anyone because I am constantly afraid that they are going to get bothered by me and not want me around anymore but don’t want to be rude and say it. I never can truly know whether or not someone is being completely honest with me. I guess that is something that I want to work on most, getting out of my own head for a while and seeing things clearly, even if I can only see bits and pieces clearly. Something is better than nothing, right? I don’t want to be constantly afraid like I’m the lost puppy that someone brought home, kept for a while, just to return it back to its original box. I want to trust that I am actually liked and matter in this world and arn’t just one huge bother.
Overthinking is always what gets me into the most trouble, because many time what I am overthinking results in the wrong answer and essentially hurting myself in a way by putting me through so much stress, anxiety, and fear. My psychiatrist asked me something today after I told him that I self harm as punishment. He asked, “Which is harder to deal with and sit in, talking about your feeling and emotions and actually feeling them, or cutting?” I said that it would be harder to actually talk and truly feel my feelings, and he said “Exactly, so talking about your feelings is more of a punishment than cutting so focus on that instead of hurting yourself.” I never really thought of it like that and now I keep thinking about it and its honestly one of the only things that I can’t find a way to overthink that results in me hurting myself. Probably because its so true, I am terrified to have to actually feel my feelings and talk about what happened completely. It hurts worse than any cut or bruise ever could, just without anyone seeing. I mean, its still really hard and going to be hard to watch this last time I self harmed heal but maybe in a way its a start to actually recovering, even if I have to see it as a punishment to myself.
I saw my case manager at the end of the day today and broke down crying to her, which is something I never do. I cried because I am so hurt inside and now i’m so scared of what feeling is actually like that I can’t let my walls down completely no matter how hard I try. Depression, self harm, and restricting have always been safety blankets in a way, and I have gotten very comfortable with them. But now I have to voluntarily give up those blankets and show myself for who I truly am.