5/8/18

Part of being in PHP is process group, which is basically where we all talk about our main issue and ask for support and how others deal with the same type of issue. Today I didn’t bring up my question but related to someone else and told everyone I struggle to love myself. I also brought up that when I stopped self harm for three months was when I attempted suicide and now that I am trying to get all of my ducks in a row all at once, I don’t really know how to manage it all. By the end of group it felt like the entire topic was on me and I was having one very intense 1 on 1 session.  I guess right now I am trying to sort out in my head  how to validate my feelings without losing touch with my feelings. I think that is something I do a lot, because I tell myself that it is okay to feel hurt and then non directly telling myself it is okay to harm myself or not eat. I guess I just never really thought about it more in depth and now I am and I don’t know completely how to make sense of it all. I am basically self sabotaging myself by coming here to start to love myself and build self worth and then coming here and restricting and self harming. Self harming and restricting is basically feeding into my depression, the thing that I am trying to conquer the most.

I can’t really get self sabotage out of my head, probably because its evidence that I am doing to myself what Grandma used to do to me. I always say I want to get better and say I am putting the work in but am I really? How can I really be putting the work in when I am still continuing to hurt myself just like grandma used to? I honestly feel disappointed in myself, like I have been not only lying to others but mostly lying to myself.  I thought I was ready to fully recover and now I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know if I really am or if I am just faking it in a way. I always like to think that I have my life together but in reality, I don’t have it together in the slightest. I am so scared of actually feeling my feelings that I put up my walls to protect myself from others, but that doesn’t protect me from myself. I am my own worst enemy in this battle and I am letting myself get hurt more and more but smile and act like everything is okay because I am in treatment.

I always blame grandma for me restricting because she would call me fat and make me go for runs and was so hard on me, but maybe its not completely her fault. She is a neutral prompt that I am assigning a value, and that value hurts me. I think I am using restricting and self harm as a way to take back control, but in reality I am giving up even more control to them. In order for me to take control back I need to stop feeding the depression which means I need to stop restricting and stop self harming and to actually talk about my feelings behind all of it. I’m honestly more scared of talking about my feelings than the possible complications of restricting and self harm. Last night I wrote a pro’s and con’s list of all of the self harm I do and then the opposite. Reading it now I’m so sad and frustrated at myself for putting myself through so much hurt when I have the option to not be doing any of this to myself. Im hurting myself simply because I don’t want to do the hard work and actually talk about and feel my real, deep emotions. I just keep building my walls up higher and higher until something comes and knocks it down and then I have to build the wall up all over again. I just continue to be my own worst enemy and I don’t think twice about it. So what do I do now that I am conscious of what I have been doing to myself? CHANGE.

“Change starts with you”, and now is that time. I have to change the patterns I have continued to do to myself and I have to do it because I want to, not because someone else is forcing me to. “

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