I thought that once I got comfortable with being here in PHP that everything would simply become easier. Truthfully I think the exact opposite is happening. The farther I come in program the more I begin to feel every emotion that has been hurting me for so long and its so uncomfortable, especially since I haven’t let myself feel them for so long. I always say I have a hard time letting my walls down for others to come in and understand me but the more I think about it, those walls are more like flood gates and its just kind of a matter of time until the emotions overflow over the gate and i’m forced to deal with them, instead of letting myself feel then bit by bit so the gate doesn’t overflow. I think that maybe thats what i’m finally really tying to do, let myself feel my emotions so they don’t end up overflowing.
Yesterday I met with my case manager and it was really hard to deal with honestly. I had wrote all of the self harm I do and then the exact opposite of it. The I wrote the consequences, risks, and pro’s to doing the action. When I was finished it was about two pages long which was honestly sad to look at. When I met with my case manager she read what I had wrote down and we talked about it, and I basically broke my own heart. For so many of the self harm action I wrote such distorted things in the pro column like “I feel the pain I think I deserve. Punishment. I will like myself more”. It was so sad to then read the actions such as no restricting, no cutting, no bruising, and reading things like “I won’t get the punishment I need, I will have no release, I will have to feel” in the consequence column. Like I never realized how distorted so many of my thoughts were until I was made aware of some of the things I wrote down. The thing is, the distorted thoughts that I wrote down weren’t from me, they were the exact things that grandma would do to me, and the things that I now do to myself because I keep thinking into the past. I let so much of my past control my present and I know if I don’t start to make changes then my past will continue to control me into the future. I want to know who I am without depression, without my grandmas voice in my head and me letting it control me. I have a option to not let it control me but I am, and I’m mighty and have the power to change that. I can regain control over myself and find who I really am. I will regain control of myself and see myself for who I really am, not my past.
I think a small piece of me is scared to find out who I am without all of these things hurting me. Probably because it makes me uncomfortable because I have never had it before and its such a big change, one I never truly thought I would be ready for. Sometimes the things you fear the most are the best things for you. I just have to come to terms with that now, which will take time, but there is no better time than now. I am really fucking mighty, hear me roar.