5/10/18

Today I did something I never thought I would do and I am so proud of myself, I told the entire group that I’m bisexual. It felt so good to say it out loud and express who I am on a deeper level. I have had a somewhat stressful yet relieving day. I met with my case worker this morning and I was kind of anxious about it but I didn’t say anything about it, which I wish I did. We talked about my list that I mentioned in the last past and what emotions I felt during it. I was disappointed in myself as I read all of these distorted thoughts I had and were letting myself continue to satisfy, mainly because none of them express who I really am as a person. My case manager also informed me that I am switching to IOP which is something I thought I would be really excited for but now that its here I’m kind of nervous and anxious for the change. Its weird to see how something I so badly didn’t want to do before is now something I want to stay in for longer. Its a good way to view how I can change my mindset and things can get better and make myself more aware of it. Switching to IOP means I am getting so much better and looking at my daily task sheets and seeing how many time I have been able to circle that I haven’t been suicidal is the best feeling in the world. Its progress, progress I never thought I would ever be able to gain. It shows how strong I am, and I’m a fighter which will never change. I can still be strong and a fighter and be anxious about how I going to handle switching to IOP. Its more time that I am not sure exactly how I am going to manage and its okay to be anxious about that. I will learn step by step, baby steps. It doesn’t matter how fast I finish the race, only that I never stop going.

I have spoken openly on my blog about my feelings towards my family. I love my mom but we are so different and it makes it hard to get along and relate with her sometimes. Lately I haven’t been home much because honestly it is just easier not to be there. I have spoken to my mom everyday and now she is getting kind of upset and annoyed that I’m not home more and it sucks that she can’t see my point of view. I hate myself so much for not wanting to spend time with her and I wish I could just change my mind but I can’t. I can’t just magically want to spend time with her all the time, if I could I would have by now. I know there is so many feelings that are keeping me back from wanting to spend more time with her and truthfully I don’t know if I am really ready to feel those emotions. I thought I had forgiven my mom and that everything was fine and now im realizing that maybe thats not the case. Maybe everything isn’t okay and I just keep trying to shut out all of my feelings. I think that’s something I have gotten really used to doing and now I do it automatically, and now I am trying to change my entire state of mind and I don’t know how to do that without destroying a piece of me in the process. Maybe that is what I am supposed to do so I can replace that piece with the real me but what if thats not the case. My past will always be there and I can never really forget that but I have the power to change me and change the future and I am so fucking scared to do it. I am not fucking ready to let go of everything I was raised learning and basically become a new person. That new person is probably already developed and I am just scared to express it because it means taking the power back and showing the world who I am instead of this scared little girl who can’t even get out of her own head. Its so damn unfair that I was born into this life and that now I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life when I don’t even really know if I want to. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live the rest of my life because I don’t see positive in the future and I don’t want to be in this constant pain for the rest of my life but, I don’t get to escape living. I can’t hit control+alt+delete on living. I am just dealt a set of cards that are my life and all I can do is play the cards i’m dealt the best I can. If I died I would hurt so many people in my life and I wish that nobody cared about me so I could just end my life without anyone being hurt but I know if I did it right now I would hurt so many people in my life and I can’t do that. I should want to live for me and part of me does so that someday I can make a change in the world and help others that are in the same place I am and so that someday I can see my kids learn how to ride a bike and see all of the love in the world. What hurts is that so much of me doesn’t want to live and make a difference. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live and wake up everyday knowing what has happened to me and having to continue fighting the demons in my head and someday see everything taken away from me like it always is. As soon as I get close to something I lose it or I run from it because I can’t see how anyone would want anything to do with me and the more people I get close with means even more people I would hurt if I did end my life. I just want to run away from this life and start over and that’s not how life works. I wish I could go back and change what I went through but I can’t. I want to change the future but I am so scared to that I continue to let my past hurt me every day. I don’t see myself as anything other than my past and that hurts. I want to see me and I guess I’m scared that when I do find the real me that I will hate her. I just want to go back and change everything and I can’t change anything but the future and I keep fucking that up everyday. Why can’t I just be different. Why can’t I just change like I want to so bad, why do I keep self sabotaging myself. Why do I keep breaking myself even more when i’m already shattered. The only thing that is standing between my current self and the person I want to be is the wall that I just continue to build knowing that its my own fault I can’t change. I can let go of the past and everything I have been through but instead I don’t.

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