5/15/18 (from March 15th)

This week has been, well…. interesting. It wasn’t necessarily bad, I guess I just struggled a lot this week. I don’t know quite what is going on though. This week I haven’t been very numb (at least I don’t think), but I still have been really suicidal. I’m not sure why that is, and it’s not like my week was bad either, actually, it was pretty good for the most part, so I don’t know what could have triggered this to happen. It’s frustrating though, because right when you think that things are going good, they get bad again. Is this gonna always be what it’s like? I have never wanted to live, heck, I wished that I was never born, so why would I want to live like this? I don’t. I don’t know who to say my feelings right now other than being completely honest, I don’t want to live. I want to attempt suicide. That’s never something that someone wants to admit, but it’s something that I have to be completely honest about. On Monday night me and Rebecca watched the movie Irreplaceable You. It was an amazing story, but very sad. It was filled with cancer and death, and showed you everything that happened along the way. After watching it I was in tears, and this is what I sent to a close friend of mine:

“I don’t want to die. I really don’t want to die because I don’t want to hurt the people who have supported me and loved me. I don’t want to be gone I don’t want to fucking die. Yet I’m scared I will because I’m scared that I will end up doing something or fucking up and dying because of suicide or a car accident or anything. I don’t fuckin want depression to win and I’m scared it will. I really don’t want to die 😭”

Her response was immediate concern, followed by her asking if she could drive me to the hospital. As you can guess, my answer was no. I am not going to the hospital because I am strong and I need to deal with this. Why could I deal with this for 18 years of my life and get through but now that I’m feeling it again after feeling somewhat okay for a while, is it that I am struggling so badly. What is wrong with me? Everyone gives me the normal answer of “there is nothing wrong with you hun” however, I see much different. I sit in bed every night trying to fight the fact that I just want to attempt suicide, or self harm at a minimum. I sit in bed at night and try to understand my own brain which is somewhat impossible to understand. Does everyone see the world like this? Does everyone feel like their own self is being covered by the screams of their mental illnesses? Does anyone understand any of this? I feel like I’m speaking

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