5/15/18 (from March 24th)

I’ve tried to type at least four times since my last post but, not matter what I type it doesn’t feel real. Now I’m here, typing, and trying to find the words to describe how I feel even though I don’t know if there are any. Truthfully, I don’t feel like… me. I feel like this person trapped inside of this body and brain and can’t escape no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’m a soul thats trapped inside a world that doesn’t even feel real. I try hard to figure out what is me thinking and what is the depression however, I am not always able to do that. I keep looking for an exact answer on what will fix this but there is no exact answers to this. There is no step by step guide to follow that will cure depression in under ten minutes and give me my brain back. There isn’t a immediate way to change who you are as a person and truthfully, that’s all I really want. I want to be someone I can’t be and everyday I get crushed a little more when I realize all over again that no matter how hard I work at this, I will never be a different person. I will always be me and I don’t understand why that hurts so bad. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be here at all, no matter what person I am. Maybe it’s because living is something that I didn’t get an option in and I don’t have a way out.

I always used to have hope that maybe someday things would be different, and now that I look back I’m not sure if I was hoping for things to be different in the way that I could finally live my life the way I wanted, or things to be different in the form of no longer living. I wish I could go back into the head of that little girl that was lost at point A and tell her that someday she would be in college and majoring in something she would later dream of doing, and maybe she wouldn’t have wanted to have such a different life, maybe she would have never started to self harm or starve herself. Maybe she would have been “okay”. Truth is, I know that no matter what I could have said to that little girl, it wouldn’t have made a difference. I always see the world in black and white except when I was young I didn’t see any color other than black. The black that could suck you in and hold you in its grasp and you had to accept the fact your were trapped.

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