5/16/18

I did something today and truthfully I am actually a little scared to type it out on here. We all make mistakes but it can be hard when the mistake is something you want. There are a lot of words to express how I feel yet I find myself speechless right now because I know what I have done. Today I did something that I never thought I would do, something I never thought would even be a thought in my mind. How do I pick myself back up from here? How do I fix this mistake when everyday the suspense of the mistake grows? I admit that I self harm, and it is not something I am ashamed of. Its frustrating and hard to explain and talk about sometimes, yes, but I am not ashamed of it. What I have done today, I am ashamed of and I deserve to be. I messed up and now I am stuck having to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Today I was 18 days with no self harm.

Today I disappointed myself in ways I can’t even explain. Today I self harmed however, that’s not what I am upset about. I am upset because I self harmed at someone else’s house, I let others down instead of just myself. I thought about making a different choice but in the end I made the decision not to stay safe. How do I come back from something like this? I really messed up. Damn.

2 thoughts on “5/16/18

  1. As I’ve probably told you, I self harmed for many years, probably about 25 years. Every day I told myself that that would be the last time. I probably told myself that at least a hundred times. And I dissapointed myself a hundred times. It took a long time for me to understand why I kept going back to self-harm as a coping technique. It’s still hard for me to not consider it as a way to cope. But everyday I make a decision to not self-harm, but I know that I could easily wake up tomorrow and make a different decision, one that would make me disappointed in myself. But having gone through this for such a long period of time, I know the only thing I can do is start counting from 1 and move on from there. It’s like falling off of a bike: you get up and try again.

    I was looking at my scars on my arms and legs today, and rather than think of them as proof that I failed, I looked at them as badges of honor that signify that I went through some things that most people haven’t gone through. In the military, soldiers who go through severe trauma receive a Purple Heart. In order to get the Purple Heart you have to have done something heroic which typically involves severe emotional and physical trauma. Instead of being dissapointed about what happened today, recognize that you are strong and that you can get through this and start over again, I wish there were Purple Hearts for civilians because those of us with mental health issues fight a battle every day. Continuing to fight the battle – even if we sometimes fail – is heroic.

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